Happy Birthday, Roxcy

Dear Roxcy,

Today you would be 19. You  are around the age that I always see you at. Tall, slim, with long dark hair and hazel eyes with a lot of gold in them. You look like a darker version of me at your age. You always have a smile when I see you.

I miss you, but you know that. I look forward to the day when I cross over and you and Addie Jo are there to welcome me home. Hopefully, and sadly, that day won't happen until Logan is grown. He needs me here.

The day before you died, you were 21-days old, it was the first day I had felt a lot of energy since your birth and I got a lot done. Normally, you were so calm and quiet. You had been fussy the day before and were fussy again. I remember that when I changed you, your pee smelled sweet. Mid-day I was tired and lay down to nurse you and take a nap.This is something I have never shared--but you were there and you know--after you nursed and fell asleep, I put you on my chest and patted your back-side, I focused on your breathing and the warmth around us and I, too, fell asleep. That is my favorite memory of you and me, together. Now, nineteen years later, still, when I am tired and cannot sleep, I take myself back to that precious moment. I feel the warmth, I feel your miniscule seven pound weight on my chest, I concentrate on your breathing and finally I sleep. No one knows that except you and me. (Until today.)

It has been nearly 19-years since that peaceful day. Perhaps, it was the last day of my life where I would feel that type of love and hope. Life has been hard. Yet, I still believe what I believed then. I still believe those things that got me thru. I know that in that spirit time before this life, you and I were best friends and, perhaps, had explored other lives together. I know we agreed before this life to be mother and daughter for this too short time. There was a reason for that which we both understood, but I seem to have forgotten. I know you are with me now--watching over me. And I have no doubt that we will be re-united again on the other side. People are sometimes amazed at my faith in that and my strength for surviving when you died. Sometimes, I do doubt. And it isn't strength....  Living is about doing what you have to do and moving forward. Is there any other choice?

I love you, My Sweet Baby Girl.

Mom

Roxcy Rainier Hubler at 24-hours old with her mom, November 24, 1993. Photo by Heinz Hubler

Happy Thanksgiving!

From a Thanksgiving past. I miss those big family gatherings.

I hope you had a yummy day.

Never Say Never

I didn't exactly say never. I said I was taking a break from Facebook and not carrying the camera everywhere I go. Yep. I am still taking a personal break from FB, but good things are happening with my photo business (Indigo smiles and says thanks.) I have booked six photo sessions in less than a week. I did one of the shoots today. No real monetary rewards with these, but I am building the portfolio and I made the decision that I am no longer shooting for free. With two of these sessions I am charging a $30 fee to cover expenses. With all of them, I will give my clients a CD with 12 to 15 processed images. I will hopefully get a picture or two from each shoot for my portfolio. 

Anything I book from now on will require the client buy a minimum sized package in advance with the sitting fee waived if they do.  This is for a mini-session on location. That package is 1-8X10, 2-5X7's, and 8-wallets of one pose. Plus, 5-4X6 proofs for $85--which is still a deal. (Of course the idea is that the client will love the images and want MORE!!!) 

I'll be posting today's shoot and last weeks shoot and tomorrow's shoot and the one the next day and so on.... at my INDIGO STUDIOS Blog soon. For now, here is a scenic with a few cranes from the location I shot at yesterday.

Camera Ban?

I am taking a break from Facebook. No real tragedy, except, I do have business pages there for Indigo Studios, Indigo Foto, Quilt Whisperer and the Sisterhood. There was too much distraction there. Some stress. My personal Wall was not a necessity. Building my photo business and keeping connected to my Bra project, however, are important and necessary. 

Lots to think about. 

Along with cutting back, I have decided not to carry the camera everywhere I go. I will continue to do sittings that will build my portfolio. I will continue processing old files, but to move forward at a slower pace. The FB business pages are open. I need to up date the other blogs for each business or project. I need to do some quilting and make Christmas gifts. I need to get some deep cleaning down and decorate the house for Christmas.

I am also taking a break from this BLOG until I have something oriented to learning and graduating from UNM to write about.

Life is hard, but life is good.  

I can do this. 

A few pictures from the last time I shot anything. 

THIS.

Is how my brain feels.

 The PAPA Orchestra Fall Concert.

GHOSTS of MUSIC 

Foto by Jeddy.  Processed by Tina

What Now?

Now that my 2nd purpose for using this school related Blog is over... What Now?

I need to complete this semester and register for the next, but before I do that I need to go into advisement and talk about what I need to do in able to claim this new disability and be able to test differently in classes, etc...

I know I have hinted, I don't remember if I actually came out and said what had happened. I had a really bad reaction to a new med. There were a lot of symptoms, but I was advised to try it for a full two weeks. At the end of that time and into the next week I had several migraines. I have suffered from really bad migraines since I was in 5th grade. Usually, my migraines start with the aura in one or both eyes--it is a arch shaped flashing neon thing, sometimes there are more than one; lately it stops there and I have a mild headache after. Sometimes, I get sick to my stomach and go numb down one side of my body. Sometimes, I feel my head is going to split in two.  These were not like my normal ones. The first few were like that and on the mild side, yet there was an undefined quality that wasn't normal. The last one knocked me off my feet and into bed for two days. It was everything and more. Because I can deal with them at home with strong coffee and Excedrin and a cool, dark room; because I have had migraines most of my life and been told there is no reason to go to the ER when I have one; because my doctor is away on maternity leave; I managed them alone at home. I am told I most likely had mini-strokes--which is one of the bad side affects this med can produce. Something happened. Something is different in my head. I will see my doctor when she is back. I will head to the ER if I have another migraine of any type.

I cannot do math. There have always been math things I could do in my head, easily, as I discussed before. Yet, I've always struggled to remember the formulas. I have always been really slow at algebra. But with written down notes, I can do it. Or I could. I just had to withdrawal from my algebra class. I failed the face to face test. The teacher had no sympathy and I don't blame her. She doesn't know me--it was an on-line class. I could be making this all up, to pull off a better grade. I will take the class again. First, I will make sure I have documentation that makes allowances for learning disabilities.

Even writing something like this has become very hard to do. I am honestly scared. I have El Jay to raise. He needs a healthy mom who can keep up with him. Plus, there is Jeddy. He is 18. Currently, he is harder to keep up with than El Jay is :-)

I am a single mom. I am 50. I have to get better.

So, what now? Me. Rest (maybe not quiet, because El Jay is never quiet....) Forse myself out of my comfort zone. Diet. Exercise. Etc.... to bad I can't do an internship that focuses on TINA, right? Then I'd have to set goals and I'd be accountable to someone else.

I love You Big Sister

 (Photo by TinaMarie Gardner. Circa 1978)

Sylvia was my Big Sister 

(yes, with capitals, because I worshiped Sylvia while growing up.) 

She was seven-and-a-half years older then me. She was one of the most amazing, wonderful, loving, beautiful, influential people in both my childhood and as an adult. We laughed and we cried together. We played and worked together. We loved and we fought as true siblings. She encouraged me to grow and do my best. She was there for me when Roxcy died. I adored Sylvia and wanted to be just like her.

 (Photo by TinaMarie Gardner--circa 1994)

Sylvia was a victim of domestic violence and died ten years ago.  She was only 48-years old. The world suffered a huge loss when she returned to that better place. I know she is happier where she is and that she watches over us. However, I still miss her a lot.

This is a picture of  both of my sisters and me at Robyn's wedding in 1976 (photo by Allen Gibby Photography). I was 14. Sylvia was 22 and Robyn was almost 21. This is one of the few pictures of the three of us. I hated that dress. I was the maid of honor and they didn't get my dress made in time. My mom was able to find this polyester thing in the right color (I also hated the color yellow.) I was a late bloomer and was very shy. Plus, I was so very self-conscious that you can see my underwear in the picture.... :-(

People use to think Sylvia and Robyn were twins--but they were 13-months apart. People always knew I was their sister--even though, I got the Swedish/Scotch coloring (Sylvia said she got the Spanish and Jewish coloring and nose.)

As I cry a little this morning and wish Sylvia was here to give me a hug and advice, I stopped to listen to two songs Sylvia loved. I've repeated the stories that go with each one elsewhere before..... and won't take time to go there....

  (Our brother, Wayne, with Sylvia at Disneyland--circa 1998. Photo by TinaMarie Gardner)

To Sylvia, I will always love you too. 

Mormons are from Kolob

OK. I am not feeling well today--which is fairly normal for me lately. But I had something to say and I found this link and don't want to totally lose it.....I'll come back and write the blog soon. 

This isn't the post I intended to write..... but if you're wondering what Kolob has to do with anything...? In Mormon doctrine Kolob is the place where God Dwells.  There is also a song about Kolob.... it was a favorite song of my Grandpa Johnson, he use to beg me to play it for him on the piano.

I often say, "If Women are from Venus and men from Mars, then Mormons are from Kolob."

Yes, I was born and raised as a Latter Day Saint. Up until three years ago, I was actively involved in the church. At this time in my life I am no longer active in the church. I consider it part of my very rich heritage and culture. Of course, those roots still go deep. Spiritually at this time in my life, I have not aposticized, but rather I feel I have atrophied spiritually. I really need to decide who and what I am and "What ere thou art, act well thy part." Although this quote is attributed to Shakespeare, it is a huge Mormon quote attributed to David O. McKay.

Who am I? This question also has Mormon ties for me.... we come to this earth forgetting our life befoe this and as we live we often question who we are. Who am I? Growing up the answer was always, "I am a daughter of God."

OK, so Who is God and is he really from Kolob?

Election Results

You all know that Obama was re-elected for a 2nd term. No big surprise--if you look at the popular vote (and not the electoral college) it was a very close race. In fact, maybe, Romney could have won.  I am one of those voters who feels the Electoral College is obsolete and should be voted away. 

One day while I was making calls, the woman sitting next to me, put the person she was talking to on hold and asked the group of volunteers, "What is the Electoral College? The woman on the phone is saying that it is all rigged and that as long as we still use the Electoral College to choose the President that no one's vote will matter...." The process was explained to her. I was shocked that a 60-ish woman thought the President was elected by popular vote.

However.... popular vote is the way it should happen. Just sayin......

Here are a few of my Election Day fotos. 

 Making phone calls down to the wire.

 Janice stopped by to make calls.

Uncle Sam made an appearance at the party at the Marriot Uptown. Lady Liberty was also there. As were many of the Republican candidates and other elected officials.

The mood was very somber. 

 My favorite candidate

(I also think David Standridge and Brett Loveless would have made excellent judges.)

 A local celebrity who did not wish to be photographed at the Republican shindig.... Nah, it's only me.... 

(in reality I am only warding off the Evil Eye....)

VOTE!

If you do just ONE thing today: 

VOTE.

 

ROMnipotent?

Jeddy turned to me yesterday and asked, "Mom, do you think Mitt will be ROM-nipotent....? 

 om·nip·o·tent

1

often capitalized : almighty

2

: having virtually unlimited authority or influence <an omnipotent ruler>

3

obsolete : errant

Hmmmmm.... we will know that answer in less than 24-hours.

Is the President of the United States of America really Omnipotent?  Does he have unlimited authority. What about the Senate and the House of Representatives? Is our government based on a system of checks and balances? Yes. No. Maybe. Depends?

Is President Obama currently Obam-nipotent (just doesn't seem to flow in the same way....)

Chance Encounter

One of my goals during the election season was to not only talk with the Republican candidates, but candidates from all parties. I failed that part of my goal. However, today I did see one of the Democrat candidates. I won't say who or where in this blog, but she was sitting next to me while we were both waiting. She spent the entire time talking on her cell phone and texting. In her phone conversations she talked about being glad the election was nearly over and how she couldn't wait to be able to spend more time with her children again.

My thought was that all candidates from Romney down to the judges on the bottom of the ballot must feel the same way.  I know many of the volunteers at the Victory Center can't wait for this to be over. It takes a lot of effort to run for any office. It takes a lot of people to be successful. It is nice to know that in 26 hours this race will be over.

I was glad this candidate didn't turn to me and ask for my vote. I have voted and I did not and would never vote for her.

Muertos y Marigold Parade

I love attending the Muertos y Marigold Parade in Albuquerque's South Valley. This is a Day of the Dead celebration. Although it isn't part of the culture I was raised in, I do love the Hispanic culture. I lived in East Los Angeles for nearly two-years before moving here and my youngest son (El Jay Rey) is 7/16th Mexican and 1/16th Apache. The other half is my huge mixture--Scottish, Swedish, Welch, Swiss Jewish, Spanish. However, all of those are subjects for other blogs, someday... maybe... or not.

The parade was Sunday, November 4th. Of course there were quite a few social and political causes involved. I took 1000 pictures and it will take a week or two to finish processing them. Here are three political groups or floats.

Stuggling with Math Again

In high school my Algebra teacher told us we would use math everyday of our lives. He was right. Maybe not the type of problems I am doing in my algebra class right now, but I do use basic math daily. I add, subtract, figure percentages. When I did special event planning I was able to calculate multiple item quotes--like, the client needed a balloon arch that was to fill a space that was 18 ft long by 12 ft high, using 11" helium filled, latex balloons, plus 20 centerpieces, shimmer curtain along the back of a stage that was 24 ft long,  a balloon drop measuring 15 X 15 ft, and Winnie the Pooh, a face painter, and a clown for two-hours.... .I was able to calculate all of that and give a rough estimate that was usually within 5% of the written quote, I would later give. (Back then I would have charged around $3600 before any discounts or taxes for an event like that.)

(look for a balloon photo to insert here)

When I design a quilt, I am able to figure how much fabric I will need. I've never taken a quilting class. I never use a pattern. I draw it out and figure yardage. Add to that calculating a quote for a client? Yes, I can do it, mostly in my head. The quilt below is a crazy quilt and is primarily made from fabric scraps. However, the squares are made with a foundation, so I need to figure how much yardage for the foundation, sashing, border, backing and batting. Plus the cost of each of those items, the cost of the fabric scraps, and my time.... (This quilt was a gift to my son when he got married. This is a time intensive quilt and I would charge $1750 for a 6 ft X 6 ft guilt like this.)

I have to go to UNM today to take an Algebra test. The class  is online--but you are required to take two face-2-face tests, so they can verify that you can and are doing the work.....  I was up four hours ago to study. This semester, I have to take really good notes and study right before the tests, or my mind goes blank. It took me two hours to do the first 9 problems and now I cannot remember what I have studied. I have to leave in one hour.... and????? I'll push myself a little more, but I have this huge block up and I have convinced myself that I cannot do this. I can't. I will fail.... I am trying to battle that, but..... my brain is unfocused and I feel foggy. I have to pass this class to graduate. At this point, will I ever graduate?

I wrote this in hopes of getting centered and of convincing myself that I CAN do it, but..... I doubt I will succeeded. The time would have been better spent focusing on the test problems.....or trying to.

District 13

I was going to write this post and say I live in the New Mexico House 13th District.... I looked at a map last night and I was sure I was in one little corner of the 13th District, but before writing this BLOG I thought, I really should verify that and guess what? I'm not. I am two-blocks from the farthest North- East edge of the boundaries. 

I am still going to write this blog and tell you that I met Jose Orozco tonight. I like him. Yes, if I lived in his district, I would not hesitate to vote for him. I think Jose will make an awesome State Representative. He needs your votes. Only about 10% of the district are registered Republicans. This is also a district that has poor voter turn out. So, please, no matter who you vote for and no matter what district, get out and vote!

A Voting Non-Experience

On Thursday after school I took Jeddy to vote for the first time. We went to the Satellite Voting Location on 98th St at Central.

As a quick reminder; Early voting ends on Saturday, November 3rd at 8pm. You can find a list of location at the Bernalillo County Clerk's office.

If you don't vote before then, or aren't voting absentee, you can vote on Election Day, November 6th, in the regular polling locations.

It wasn't a real positive experience for either of us. Jeddy had registered to vote. He had the little slip of paper, but he was not in the system. He didn't have his social security number with him. He couldn't vote. He will go back later.

I was told that because of privacy issues, I could not take pictures in the Early Voting location. I already knew that and I feel I can shoot informative documentary type pictures without violating anyone's privacy, but I also know that if you let one person slip by, someone else will yell that they were treated unfairly or their rights were violated. I was asked to leave, but I stayed inside, next to Jeddy, because the kind man helping us was trying to help Jeddy find his registration..... one of the other people working there kept glaring at me and as we walked past her to leave, she mumbled something about people breaking laws..... Did I really break any laws?

For the record, my philosophy is to shoot first and ask permission later.