Something to Smile About

More often than I would like this blog is not a happy place. I look at it as a place to document the details. It isn't a place meant for everyone to see.

It is time to blog something HAPPY!

I received this bright yellow envelope in the mail yesterday. It had numerous .01 cent stamps arranged in an infinity sign. It simply looked too artistic to open. But I did.... and I found a flat, packet of foil, neatly folded with something inside--maybe we will have hobo dinners one night soon? But that was not all--just the pretty envelope would have been enough (because it made me smile)--inside the foil was a print out about chia seeds (I must get some and give them a try!) Chia Seeds are very appropriate, because I look like a chia pet with my now mostly gray hair standing up. And finally there some much needed cash.

Thank You. You know who you are.

I've been told lately by other people how ungrateful I am. I don't think those people know me at all. I've taken none of the gifts and help we've been given for granted. I have expressed my gratitude, but that was not enough. I thank heavenly Father daily for all of my blessings, often specifically. I do not know how to maintain an attitude of gratitude. I wish I did. 

Today, I cried when this arrived. My friend went the extra mile to reach out and help me.

Don't Smile. Don't Cry. Don't Move.

 I've been called cold hearted. 

I was called a brat. I've been called ungrateful. I was told to go to hell. 

I guess I am cold hearted. Perhaps it comes from being told by my dad as a child to "Go get my friend." His friend was his belt. It didn't take much to set him off. This is a subject Wayne and I discussed and we agreed that this was a huge factor in both of our mental health issues as adults.

"What are you laughing about. Go get my friend."
 "Bend over and hold your ankles."
"You flinched, I'm giving you five more whacks."
"What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry about."

I was taught to not display any kind of emotion around my father. We walked on egg shells, because we never knew what would set him off.  We tried so hard to please this man, who could never be pleased. Perhaps, because of that, I am cold hearted. Why show emotion? Why let people close? When you are afraid of being beaten down one more time?

Why did all three of my father's daughters marry abusive men?

I have PTSD. Therapists attribute it to the extreme physical, emotional and verbal abuse WE suffered as children. They also feel other life events attributed to it--such as Roxcy dying of SIDS and two abusive marriages.

The day that Sub-Man caught my legs and pulled me down as I ran up the stairs to escape him and then while he lay on top of me holding my wrists and yelling into my face from an inch away, I swore I would never again tolerate any sort of abuse in my life. I swore I would stand up for myself. I would fight back. And I have.

Lately there has been some name calling. Yes, some of it by me. Things were said by all of us that can never be taken back. I'm not sure how I feel about that because a lot of hurtful words were tossed at me and some wounds I thought were healing had the scabs ripped off from them. I have done nothing wrong, but I am told that I killed my brother.

I hurt so much right now.

Taxol #12

Taxol #12 was canceled. I am done with that stage of my cancer treatments. YAY!

It was kind of sad. I've heard the nurses in infusion make a fuss over the patients on their last day. I've seen people bring signs. None of that for me. However, I will now move on to the next phase which is surgery on about Oct 10th. Radiation will begin about 4-weeks after surgery.... and then..... I can move on.

#12 was canceled because of the severity of the numbness in my hands and feet. At the same time, my WBC count was a little low. My liver function was a little off. My blood pressure and blood sugar were a little high, and I had a UTI. it really was not one of my better check ups.