Merry Christmas

My Christmas gift from Jeddy was three songs he made for me. Here are two  of his songs set to pictures from November and December:    Jeddy's Music

Wanda Gardner RIP

Home Again Home Again.....

Home Again, Home Again.....Jiggity Jog..... my mom use to say that.

We are home from Utah. Home from the funeral. it was a very quick trip. Lots to say, but maybe a lot I shouldn't say...?

My favorite moment was during the funeral service when two of my sons sang their farewell song to my mom. Earlier that morning there was a few minutes when the Mormon Bishop who was conducting the service heard the song and declared that it was not reverent enough for a funeral. He then asked dad, who said he had discussed it with me and he felt it was perfect for my mom.

Follow the link below to hear Jeddy Grant and Spencer J:

This song is for you Grandma Wanda.

 My dad spoke--which I believe is unusual and must have taken a lot of strength to do.

 My sister spoke.

My great niece Lexi and niece Lenzy sang Silent Night. While my nephew Darrell (who is deaf mute) signed the song.... which is pretty cool to "sing" Silent Night" silently ;-)

Tony The Shelf Elf

The day before my mom passed away, I bought El Jay the Elf on a Shelf doll and the book. At bedtime, with the Elf and Tommy by our sides we read the story.  El Jay wasn't too excited by the doll or book. I asked him to name the Elf and he gave me this "You've got to be kidding" look. During the night the Elf did his thing and in the morning he was hiding elsewhere in the house.

During the night my mom had died. When I woke EL Jay I shared that with him. As El Jay ate his breakfast he looked up and he said, "Hey Tony," and made a few comments.

I had no idea who he was talking to and looked over to see that EL Jay was looking towards where the Elf had been sitting when I got up that morning ;-) and I asked, "Who are you talking to?"

"Tony," replied El Jay.

"Tony? Is that what you named the Elf?"

El Jay shook his head no. "Grandma told me that was his name. She said he was really her Christmas gift to me."

I smiled and wiped a tear from my eye. Mom loved Halloween and Christmas and doing special things with and for her family. I am happy she made sure EL Jay got this final gift.

Welcome, Tony, to our Home

.

Tony managed to sneak into our family portrait on Christmas Day.

(posted in January)

Mom, I love you.

On 12-12-12 my mom died. She had been receiving home hospice care and we knew the time was close. She died around 2am and when I got up around 5am I found out of her passing on Facebook--which is a blog post I'd like to confront in the future.

I debated whether to tell El Jay before school or to wait until after school. Each morning after I wake him, we cuddle for a few minutes and usually he tells me about his dreams. I decide to tell him that Grandma had died while we were cuddliing. He instantly said that Grandma had finished the things she come here to do and had new things to do where she was.  Such wisdom from a little boy. I asked if he understood what death is and he said, yes, that her "angel" had left her body, but she was still with us. After he came downstairs dressed he gave me a hug and asked if I had remembered OUR dream that night. He said Grandma had taken us to dance in the stars with Roxcy and Aidan. He tells me all the time that I am in his dreams and I believe him, because occasionally I remember having similar dreams. He has always been closer to the angels then most children and El Jay and I have a close spiritual bond.

Cuddling with El Jay I have thought about my favorite thing to do with my mom when I was little. I loved to be "Cuddled By" my mom. That is where she lay behind me with her arms wrapped around me and we talked. I don't remember when I got too old to cuddle with my mom, but lately I've wished I was little again and could cuddle with her. I remember once thinking that being cuddled by was so wonderful, and I wanted to know what it felt like to be my mom and do "Cuddling  To." In my mind that is how I thought of it. I may have been in kindergarten. I explained that and she laughed and we switched places. I knew instantly that Cuddling To was not nearly as nice as being Cuddle By. I wondered why my mom liked to Cuddle To. Later as a mom I found that answer out. I love holding my own children in my arms, but I do miss being held.

Picture of Wanda J. Gardner and TinaMarie Gardner circa 1963. Garden Grove, Ca.

What Next?

I want to take pictures. That is all I want to do. That is all I have ever wanted to do.  I want to make money taking pictures. I want to be able to support my family by taking pictures. I wish getting there was as easy as writing it down.

It has been exhilarating lately to have people actually calling me up and asking me to shoot them ;-) That despite this lack of personal focus and fog in my brain, I have been able to keep shooting. And not only take pictures, but produce some of my best work. As the calls came in, I doubted I could do it, because of the medication issue.... but I did. And I took great pictures.

Another photographer and I have been discussing our personal desire to "open" a studio. This guy is around 30 and got a doctorate in Poli-Sci in the Spring. He is now teaching at a university.... yet, what he really wants now is to focus on his photography. I can't image working so hard to get a doctorate and then NOT use it.... I also can't image NOT pursuing what you really want to do. I wish I had that type of drive.

There are moments, many of them, when I am so tired of school. After getting a W in my Algebra class--knowing I have to retake it and then take Math 121 and statistics--I have considered just quitting. I can't do it. My mind cannot do it. But I dropped out 29-years ago as a senior and I have worked so hard this time around. I'm going to stick with it. I have to.

Sometimes, it would be nice to feel I wasn't in this alone. That someone supported me in this journey. Believed in me. I get encouragement through my FB friends, which isn't the type of support I wish I had. For example, my dad has never said, "I am proud of you for going back to school." He has made a big deal out of my sister, Robyn, going back to school though. She lasted two semesters before she dropped out. I've stayed in for 9-semesters now. I don't feel any closer to graduating than I did in the Fall of 2007 when I came back to school. 

This is my plan. I am going to take pictures. I am going to support my family as a professional photography. I am going to open a studio. Miguel Gandert told me two years to stop making excuses. Either I was, or I wasn't and to believe in ME and my talents and abilities. That if I didn't believe in myself first, no else would.

I am a photographer. That is WHO I am.

 Although I love Jeddy's smile here, this image is really about the shadow. 

 He has such penetrating eyes. 

 Father & Daughter

Christmas in Albuquerque

A few quick pictures.

 ABQ Botanical Gardens, River of Lights.  

The PAPA choirs performed at the opening night for the River of Lights. Jeddy and a school-mate with the reflections from the duck pond behind them.

I've been doing a lot of foto shoots. My goal here was to create an image of the toddler with lights in front of her and a bokeh behind--it didn't work out that way. Two reasons, first: she didn't want to cooperate and second: I did this at her home and I didn't have enough space to set it up correctly. However, it worked out. I like the look. The toddler could have just crawled over to the tree and began pulling the lights off.

 ABQ Twinkle Light Parade. My foto shoot during the parade was not about perfectly lit, sharp pictures. Instead, my goal was to play with the light and motion.

The annual Tumbleweed Snowman. Jeddy was driving and I was the passenger. Jeddy was trying to get the car up to 65 miles p/hour to merge onto the I40, so I didn't get as sharp of an image as I would have liked. Yet, I was able to make this Seasonal card.

Grandma's Album

Two years ago while visiting my parents I scanned a photo album that had belonged to my grandmother, Mary Henderson Gardner. The album had already fallen apart and many of the images were missing. I scanned entire pages. I woke up this morning feeling motivated to work on restoring these images. In college 30-years ago I took a photo restoration class and then worked for a photographer restoring and hand color pictures. Now, with great photo editing programs out there, it is so much easier to do photo restoration. I hope that the process of doing restoration and colorization by hand does not become a lost art.

The pictures from the old album were taken in the mid-20's while my grandmother was a college student at Utah Agricultural College (now Utah State University--go Aggies!) into the 30's after she had gotten married. None are labled, but I am working with my dad and Aunt Mary to try and figure out who is who. I wish I had sat down with my grandmother and had her share the stories that accompany each photo. 

A childhood memory is of sitting with my maternal grandfather, Francis Severin Johnson and having him tell me about pictures he had in an album. It was after we had moved to Utah in 1970. I would have been 8 or 9. I already knew I wanted to  take pictures when I grew up, but as I listened to him, I decided I also wanted to visit people and listen to their stories and take their pictures (both with a camera and the pictures they showed me) and make a book. Oh, if only....huh? If only I had been able to orchestrate that mammoth of a goal as an eight year old. If only, someone had listened to me tell them my idea and had decided to help me. I can't image the treasures I would have both saved and created.

The following are a few of the pictures from the photo album of Mary Henderson Gardner:

 This is an example of what the average page looked like. As someone who loves Family History and photo restoration, please, my advise is to never remove photos from an old album. With today's technology it is so easy to scan the pages and crop out the picture you want. Then you can print that picture. By ripping pages from an old album you are destroying important historical documents. Even if it is a picture of an unidentified woman and child, like this one, or a  photo of your favorite aunt (who never did anything important in her life), ALL old pictures have historical significance and should be preserved for future generations.

The above two images are of my grandmother with her classmates at USU in the mid-20's. In the image above she is the young woman 2nd from the right.I wish I  knew who the other girls are and I especially wish I knew who the man was. I am guessing a professor at USU.The girls certainly seem to be friendly with him.

My great grandfather, Dr. W.W. Henderson was head of the Biology and Zoology dept at USU at the time of his death in 1945. I'm not sure what his title was in 1925.  This could be him. I think I need to place this image side to side with photographs of WW and see if the resemblance is close enough.

 There are three photographs of this young man. I picked this one because I love the car. I have tried to ID him and I am fairly certain he was not one of my grandmother's brothers (they would have both been too young at the time) and he is not one of my grandfather's brothers. The three images have a significnt feeling in the album, so he was important to my grandmother. Was he a beau? Grandma and I were watching the news one night in the mid-70's and the head of some airlines was shown. Grandma told me he had been her beau, "The one who got away." Could it be that guy?  Or is it one of her brother-in-laws?  She had five sisters. Sadly, I doubt I'll ever know.

 College Fun

 This is my favorite image from my grandmother's album.  It is obviously taken with a different camera and is of better quality than the other images. My grandmother is the girl on the left/middle. I love this image because it is so classic. It could be a group of young adults now. I love it because it shows my grandmother, who I only remember as being old and legally blind, as a young, vibrant young woman. The girls are wearing pants and boots and are out hiking in Logan Canyon. This is the roaring 20's. This is a time when women were finally being given the right to vote. What an exciting time to be a young college student.

Another hike in Logan Canyon with her college friends--or it could be the same day? My grandmother is on the far right--looking a little boyish. She seems so serious.

Grandma once shared with me that she had wanted to get a degree in medicine, maybe become a doctor. However, girls at that time got teaching certificates and/or got married. She got a teaching certificate and taught until her marriage in 1931 at the age of 25. After her children were raised, she did become a surgical nurse.

This is the last College picture I will share from her album.

As a comparison: This is Dr. WW Henderson. (My dad scanned this and it is from his files) Yeah.... this could very likely be the man in the images above. What do you think? This could be the same man 20-years later.

William Williams Henderson is a significant person in the history of Utah State University. He was also very active in the LDS church and is given credit for creating the LDS Seminary and Institute Programs. He wrote many articles about Mormon doctrine and history.

While teaching at Brigham Young College he was told to stop teaching the theory of evolution, or Darwinism. He refused, because he felt his students had the right to hear and compare the theories of creationism and evolution. He was immediately excommunicated from the church. He petitioned the president of the church (I believe it was Heber Jeddy Grant) and was quickly reinstated. 

One of my goals is to be granted access to his papers that are archived at USU. I have inquired about them and was told they are not open to the public. I understand that one document states that he no longer believed the doctrines of the LDS church. I'd like to read more about that statement.

Happy Birthday, Roxcy

Dear Roxcy,

Today you would be 19. You  are around the age that I always see you at. Tall, slim, with long dark hair and hazel eyes with a lot of gold in them. You look like a darker version of me at your age. You always have a smile when I see you.

I miss you, but you know that. I look forward to the day when I cross over and you and Addie Jo are there to welcome me home. Hopefully, and sadly, that day won't happen until Logan is grown. He needs me here.

The day before you died, you were 21-days old, it was the first day I had felt a lot of energy since your birth and I got a lot done. Normally, you were so calm and quiet. You had been fussy the day before and were fussy again. I remember that when I changed you, your pee smelled sweet. Mid-day I was tired and lay down to nurse you and take a nap.This is something I have never shared--but you were there and you know--after you nursed and fell asleep, I put you on my chest and patted your back-side, I focused on your breathing and the warmth around us and I, too, fell asleep. That is my favorite memory of you and me, together. Now, nineteen years later, still, when I am tired and cannot sleep, I take myself back to that precious moment. I feel the warmth, I feel your miniscule seven pound weight on my chest, I concentrate on your breathing and finally I sleep. No one knows that except you and me. (Until today.)

It has been nearly 19-years since that peaceful day. Perhaps, it was the last day of my life where I would feel that type of love and hope. Life has been hard. Yet, I still believe what I believed then. I still believe those things that got me thru. I know that in that spirit time before this life, you and I were best friends and, perhaps, had explored other lives together. I know we agreed before this life to be mother and daughter for this too short time. There was a reason for that which we both understood, but I seem to have forgotten. I know you are with me now--watching over me. And I have no doubt that we will be re-united again on the other side. People are sometimes amazed at my faith in that and my strength for surviving when you died. Sometimes, I do doubt. And it isn't strength....  Living is about doing what you have to do and moving forward. Is there any other choice?

I love you, My Sweet Baby Girl.

Mom

Roxcy Rainier Hubler at 24-hours old with her mom, November 24, 1993. Photo by Heinz Hubler

Happy Thanksgiving!

From a Thanksgiving past. I miss those big family gatherings.

I hope you had a yummy day.

Never Say Never

I didn't exactly say never. I said I was taking a break from Facebook and not carrying the camera everywhere I go. Yep. I am still taking a personal break from FB, but good things are happening with my photo business (Indigo smiles and says thanks.) I have booked six photo sessions in less than a week. I did one of the shoots today. No real monetary rewards with these, but I am building the portfolio and I made the decision that I am no longer shooting for free. With two of these sessions I am charging a $30 fee to cover expenses. With all of them, I will give my clients a CD with 12 to 15 processed images. I will hopefully get a picture or two from each shoot for my portfolio. 

Anything I book from now on will require the client buy a minimum sized package in advance with the sitting fee waived if they do.  This is for a mini-session on location. That package is 1-8X10, 2-5X7's, and 8-wallets of one pose. Plus, 5-4X6 proofs for $85--which is still a deal. (Of course the idea is that the client will love the images and want MORE!!!) 

I'll be posting today's shoot and last weeks shoot and tomorrow's shoot and the one the next day and so on.... at my INDIGO STUDIOS Blog soon. For now, here is a scenic with a few cranes from the location I shot at yesterday.

Camera Ban?

I am taking a break from Facebook. No real tragedy, except, I do have business pages there for Indigo Studios, Indigo Foto, Quilt Whisperer and the Sisterhood. There was too much distraction there. Some stress. My personal Wall was not a necessity. Building my photo business and keeping connected to my Bra project, however, are important and necessary. 

Lots to think about. 

Along with cutting back, I have decided not to carry the camera everywhere I go. I will continue to do sittings that will build my portfolio. I will continue processing old files, but to move forward at a slower pace. The FB business pages are open. I need to up date the other blogs for each business or project. I need to do some quilting and make Christmas gifts. I need to get some deep cleaning down and decorate the house for Christmas.

I am also taking a break from this BLOG until I have something oriented to learning and graduating from UNM to write about.

Life is hard, but life is good.  

I can do this. 

A few pictures from the last time I shot anything. 

THIS.

Is how my brain feels.

 The PAPA Orchestra Fall Concert.

GHOSTS of MUSIC 

Foto by Jeddy.  Processed by Tina

What Now?

Now that my 2nd purpose for using this school related Blog is over... What Now?

I need to complete this semester and register for the next, but before I do that I need to go into advisement and talk about what I need to do in able to claim this new disability and be able to test differently in classes, etc...

I know I have hinted, I don't remember if I actually came out and said what had happened. I had a really bad reaction to a new med. There were a lot of symptoms, but I was advised to try it for a full two weeks. At the end of that time and into the next week I had several migraines. I have suffered from really bad migraines since I was in 5th grade. Usually, my migraines start with the aura in one or both eyes--it is a arch shaped flashing neon thing, sometimes there are more than one; lately it stops there and I have a mild headache after. Sometimes, I get sick to my stomach and go numb down one side of my body. Sometimes, I feel my head is going to split in two.  These were not like my normal ones. The first few were like that and on the mild side, yet there was an undefined quality that wasn't normal. The last one knocked me off my feet and into bed for two days. It was everything and more. Because I can deal with them at home with strong coffee and Excedrin and a cool, dark room; because I have had migraines most of my life and been told there is no reason to go to the ER when I have one; because my doctor is away on maternity leave; I managed them alone at home. I am told I most likely had mini-strokes--which is one of the bad side affects this med can produce. Something happened. Something is different in my head. I will see my doctor when she is back. I will head to the ER if I have another migraine of any type.

I cannot do math. There have always been math things I could do in my head, easily, as I discussed before. Yet, I've always struggled to remember the formulas. I have always been really slow at algebra. But with written down notes, I can do it. Or I could. I just had to withdrawal from my algebra class. I failed the face to face test. The teacher had no sympathy and I don't blame her. She doesn't know me--it was an on-line class. I could be making this all up, to pull off a better grade. I will take the class again. First, I will make sure I have documentation that makes allowances for learning disabilities.

Even writing something like this has become very hard to do. I am honestly scared. I have El Jay to raise. He needs a healthy mom who can keep up with him. Plus, there is Jeddy. He is 18. Currently, he is harder to keep up with than El Jay is :-)

I am a single mom. I am 50. I have to get better.

So, what now? Me. Rest (maybe not quiet, because El Jay is never quiet....) Forse myself out of my comfort zone. Diet. Exercise. Etc.... to bad I can't do an internship that focuses on TINA, right? Then I'd have to set goals and I'd be accountable to someone else.

I love You Big Sister

 (Photo by TinaMarie Gardner. Circa 1978)

Sylvia was my Big Sister 

(yes, with capitals, because I worshiped Sylvia while growing up.) 

She was seven-and-a-half years older then me. She was one of the most amazing, wonderful, loving, beautiful, influential people in both my childhood and as an adult. We laughed and we cried together. We played and worked together. We loved and we fought as true siblings. She encouraged me to grow and do my best. She was there for me when Roxcy died. I adored Sylvia and wanted to be just like her.

 (Photo by TinaMarie Gardner--circa 1994)

Sylvia was a victim of domestic violence and died ten years ago.  She was only 48-years old. The world suffered a huge loss when she returned to that better place. I know she is happier where she is and that she watches over us. However, I still miss her a lot.

This is a picture of  both of my sisters and me at Robyn's wedding in 1976 (photo by Allen Gibby Photography). I was 14. Sylvia was 22 and Robyn was almost 21. This is one of the few pictures of the three of us. I hated that dress. I was the maid of honor and they didn't get my dress made in time. My mom was able to find this polyester thing in the right color (I also hated the color yellow.) I was a late bloomer and was very shy. Plus, I was so very self-conscious that you can see my underwear in the picture.... :-(

People use to think Sylvia and Robyn were twins--but they were 13-months apart. People always knew I was their sister--even though, I got the Swedish/Scotch coloring (Sylvia said she got the Spanish and Jewish coloring and nose.)

As I cry a little this morning and wish Sylvia was here to give me a hug and advice, I stopped to listen to two songs Sylvia loved. I've repeated the stories that go with each one elsewhere before..... and won't take time to go there....

  (Our brother, Wayne, with Sylvia at Disneyland--circa 1998. Photo by TinaMarie Gardner)

To Sylvia, I will always love you too. 

Mormons are from Kolob

OK. I am not feeling well today--which is fairly normal for me lately. But I had something to say and I found this link and don't want to totally lose it.....I'll come back and write the blog soon. 

This isn't the post I intended to write..... but if you're wondering what Kolob has to do with anything...? In Mormon doctrine Kolob is the place where God Dwells.  There is also a song about Kolob.... it was a favorite song of my Grandpa Johnson, he use to beg me to play it for him on the piano.

I often say, "If Women are from Venus and men from Mars, then Mormons are from Kolob."

Yes, I was born and raised as a Latter Day Saint. Up until three years ago, I was actively involved in the church. At this time in my life I am no longer active in the church. I consider it part of my very rich heritage and culture. Of course, those roots still go deep. Spiritually at this time in my life, I have not aposticized, but rather I feel I have atrophied spiritually. I really need to decide who and what I am and "What ere thou art, act well thy part." Although this quote is attributed to Shakespeare, it is a huge Mormon quote attributed to David O. McKay.

Who am I? This question also has Mormon ties for me.... we come to this earth forgetting our life befoe this and as we live we often question who we are. Who am I? Growing up the answer was always, "I am a daughter of God."

OK, so Who is God and is he really from Kolob?

Election Results

You all know that Obama was re-elected for a 2nd term. No big surprise--if you look at the popular vote (and not the electoral college) it was a very close race. In fact, maybe, Romney could have won.  I am one of those voters who feels the Electoral College is obsolete and should be voted away. 

One day while I was making calls, the woman sitting next to me, put the person she was talking to on hold and asked the group of volunteers, "What is the Electoral College? The woman on the phone is saying that it is all rigged and that as long as we still use the Electoral College to choose the President that no one's vote will matter...." The process was explained to her. I was shocked that a 60-ish woman thought the President was elected by popular vote.

However.... popular vote is the way it should happen. Just sayin......

Here are a few of my Election Day fotos. 

 Making phone calls down to the wire.

 Janice stopped by to make calls.

Uncle Sam made an appearance at the party at the Marriot Uptown. Lady Liberty was also there. As were many of the Republican candidates and other elected officials.

The mood was very somber. 

 My favorite candidate

(I also think David Standridge and Brett Loveless would have made excellent judges.)

 A local celebrity who did not wish to be photographed at the Republican shindig.... Nah, it's only me.... 

(in reality I am only warding off the Evil Eye....)