I debated whether to tell El Jay before school or to wait until after school. Each morning after I wake him, we cuddle for a few minutes and usually he tells me about his dreams. I decide to tell him that Grandma had died while we were cuddliing. He instantly said that Grandma had finished the things she come here to do and had new things to do where she was. Such wisdom from a little boy. I asked if he understood what death is and he said, yes, that her "angel" had left her body, but she was still with us. After he came downstairs dressed he gave me a hug and asked if I had remembered OUR dream that night. He said Grandma had taken us to dance in the stars with Roxcy and Aidan. He tells me all the time that I am in his dreams and I believe him, because occasionally I remember having similar dreams. He has always been closer to the angels then most children and El Jay and I have a close spiritual bond.
Cuddling with El Jay I have thought about my favorite thing to do with my mom when I was little. I loved to be "Cuddled By" my mom. That is where she lay behind me with her arms wrapped around me and we talked. I don't remember when I got too old to cuddle with my mom, but lately I've wished I was little again and could cuddle with her. I remember once thinking that being cuddled by was so wonderful, and I wanted to know what it felt like to be my mom and do "Cuddling To." In my mind that is how I thought of it. I may have been in kindergarten. I explained that and she laughed and we switched places. I knew instantly that Cuddling To was not nearly as nice as being Cuddle By. I wondered why my mom liked to Cuddle To. Later as a mom I found that answer out. I love holding my own children in my arms, but I do miss being held.
Picture of Wanda J. Gardner and TinaMarie Gardner circa 1963. Garden Grove, Ca.
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