Pre Radiation Appointment

I am slowly getting closer to  being done with my cancer treatments. Today I went to McKay-Dee and met with the staff in Radiology.  I got five pin-prick size tattoos. I'm ready to start on Dec 1st.

This is the only picture I took. Indigo is in the waiting room, admiring her new blankey.

weary

The word for today is WEARY. That is how I am feeling.

I've told the story of giving honest answers, I think. My HAs. After Roxcy died I was asked how I was and I gave the standard answer, "I'm fine." (Honestly, how many of us really want to hear how someone really feels?) I was told to give the honest answer for this person knew I was not fine. After that for awhile I recorded in my journal daily my HAs or honest answers.....the true way I felt and most likely wouldn't share.

Today I am weary. To the bone, inside out. I hear the other side calling. it seems so close. I'd rather not be where I am. I am so tired of the day to day effort to survive.

Radiation

I am slowly healing from the surgery and today I met with the radiologist. I just want to get done with this stage of my life.

I didn't take any pictures. This is a recent one from the yard.

Surgery

I haven't recoded much about the operation. I guess there isn't much to record? I went in. The cancer was removed. End of story. Is that denial? The pathology came back. It looks like they got it all. YAY. I've been removed from what the doctor said.

The day was more involved than that. I got a mammogram, I got ink put in me. I went to sleep. I remember they put the mask on me and said to breathe. In and out. Then I was told they were putting something in intravenously and would get tired. When I started the breathing I went to my meadow place and the giant butterfly was fluttering around and Dixon was there and he curled up on my lap and I don't remember anything after that, until they woke me up. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to come back and I was crying. I was still in the warm, sunny meadow, but I was with a little boy with hair the same color as Dixon's--maybe that was Dixon in another life?

The doctor told me it had gone well.... and I just wanted to go back to sleep and i cried. She said she would talk to me when I was more awake. Why did I have to come back to this life. To this place. I do not want to be here.

Pictures. Before & AFter.

Happy 20th Birthday Jedcat

Jeddy Grant turned 20 yesterday. It has been quite a journey. I love and appreciate him so much for all he is doing to help me right now and for his many sacrifices. Happy birthday to my Gentle Giant.

So, this is a scanned photo of him THEN. Circa 1998/97?

And NOW.... a few quick birthday fotos from yesterday. These fall into the catagory of Family Fotos and therefore may not be perfect, but are about life, day to day, in my household.

And finally..... One pose, several processing methods. Always the student. Always wondering what works best. In this case, I wanted to make sure his fabulous eyes stood out and eliminate  background noise. Which do you like best? 

Crowd Funding

My children have organized a fund raiser to help me with the cost of cancer, of not being able to work, for day to day expenses, and eventually to move into my own place. More than anything.... I want to be independent again. I want to live in my own little house with Logan and the dog. I want to go to work everyday. I want to take people pictures and make $$$ while I do. I want to finish college..... but my life is on hold.

First, I have to be cancer-free. I have to be well again. I can do this. I can. I can. Just not today. Not yet and I need help until I can reach the level of independence again.

If you read this--and I doubt I have very many people following me here--please, share the go fund me link with your family and friends. Please. The more shares we get, the more people it will reach and the more chances there are that we will raise the amount of money we need to achieve our goals.

Thank you.

:-)GOFUNDME Link

Less Than One Week

On Friday, October 17th, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy on my right breast.

The 3.5 centimeter lump was melted by chemo. It did not show up in the MRI I had in August. The swollen lymph node was no longer swollen. There was no sign of cancer. Of course, that does not mean I am cancer free. We will not know how much of my breast has to be removed until we are in surgery.  I hate this uncertainty. I am praying for another great out-come during surgery.

I have not been taking bra pictures. I rarely get out. Most days Jeddy has my car with him at work. I am feeling stronger, but I still get all rubbery legged, sweaty, and tired, so I stay at home.I've kind of allowed my photo project to die and fizzle.

A week ago, we all wore pink t-shirts and in honor of breast Cancer Awareness tried to get family photos. I even sprayed my peach fuzz hair pink.  I was disappointed in the outcome. Oh well....

I look forward to regaining my independence. To having a life again. To moving on to the next stage of this life.

The Boy is Confirmed

It took longer than planned, but the Boy was finally confirmed a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints & he received the gift of the Holy Ghost. We had arranged for my dad to come to Riverdale and do it on Sept. 14th, but he forgot and stood us up or his anger with Jeddy and me got in the way, I don't know. However, a little boy was hurt and disappointed and this was HIS day, not mine, not Jeddy's, not Wayne's, not my dad's.... it should have been a day to set aside all this other crap for El Jay and this huge event in his life. it was a day to give unconditional love and show forgiveness.

Then we had scheduling problems and had to find someone to take time to come to Riverdale. A friend was going to do it, but Jeddy had to work that day. I was getting anxious, because it would be two-weeks again before we could do it and my surgery is coming up, etc..... and that ordnance is not complete until one is confirmed by the laying on of hands--just being dunked in the water is not enough. So, Jeddy arranged to get off work early and he asked his Uncle Brian to come here to confirm his little brother.

On Sunday, Sept. 28th, the Boy was finally fully a member.

I always have to remind the boy to change after church, so the one time I was planning on taking pictures after church, he ran in and changed without being told.  El Jay with Uncle Brian.

The Mormon Elders that taught the Boy.

Something to Smile About

More often than I would like this blog is not a happy place. I look at it as a place to document the details. It isn't a place meant for everyone to see.

It is time to blog something HAPPY!

I received this bright yellow envelope in the mail yesterday. It had numerous .01 cent stamps arranged in an infinity sign. It simply looked too artistic to open. But I did.... and I found a flat, packet of foil, neatly folded with something inside--maybe we will have hobo dinners one night soon? But that was not all--just the pretty envelope would have been enough (because it made me smile)--inside the foil was a print out about chia seeds (I must get some and give them a try!) Chia Seeds are very appropriate, because I look like a chia pet with my now mostly gray hair standing up. And finally there some much needed cash.

Thank You. You know who you are.

I've been told lately by other people how ungrateful I am. I don't think those people know me at all. I've taken none of the gifts and help we've been given for granted. I have expressed my gratitude, but that was not enough. I thank heavenly Father daily for all of my blessings, often specifically. I do not know how to maintain an attitude of gratitude. I wish I did. 

Today, I cried when this arrived. My friend went the extra mile to reach out and help me.

Don't Smile. Don't Cry. Don't Move.

 I've been called cold hearted. 

I was called a brat. I've been called ungrateful. I was told to go to hell. 

I guess I am cold hearted. Perhaps it comes from being told by my dad as a child to "Go get my friend." His friend was his belt. It didn't take much to set him off. This is a subject Wayne and I discussed and we agreed that this was a huge factor in both of our mental health issues as adults.

"What are you laughing about. Go get my friend."
 "Bend over and hold your ankles."
"You flinched, I'm giving you five more whacks."
"What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry about."

I was taught to not display any kind of emotion around my father. We walked on egg shells, because we never knew what would set him off.  We tried so hard to please this man, who could never be pleased. Perhaps, because of that, I am cold hearted. Why show emotion? Why let people close? When you are afraid of being beaten down one more time?

Why did all three of my father's daughters marry abusive men?

I have PTSD. Therapists attribute it to the extreme physical, emotional and verbal abuse WE suffered as children. They also feel other life events attributed to it--such as Roxcy dying of SIDS and two abusive marriages.

The day that Sub-Man caught my legs and pulled me down as I ran up the stairs to escape him and then while he lay on top of me holding my wrists and yelling into my face from an inch away, I swore I would never again tolerate any sort of abuse in my life. I swore I would stand up for myself. I would fight back. And I have.

Lately there has been some name calling. Yes, some of it by me. Things were said by all of us that can never be taken back. I'm not sure how I feel about that because a lot of hurtful words were tossed at me and some wounds I thought were healing had the scabs ripped off from them. I have done nothing wrong, but I am told that I killed my brother.

I hurt so much right now.

Taxol #12

Taxol #12 was canceled. I am done with that stage of my cancer treatments. YAY!

It was kind of sad. I've heard the nurses in infusion make a fuss over the patients on their last day. I've seen people bring signs. None of that for me. However, I will now move on to the next phase which is surgery on about Oct 10th. Radiation will begin about 4-weeks after surgery.... and then..... I can move on.

#12 was canceled because of the severity of the numbness in my hands and feet. At the same time, my WBC count was a little low. My liver function was a little off. My blood pressure and blood sugar were a little high, and I had a UTI. it really was not one of my better check ups.

Taxol #11 Revisited

3rd time was the charm.

Today all systems were GO

and I got infused. 

YAY! I Guess.

The Boy is Baptized.

At the age of 11-years, 8-months, and 18-days (???) El Jay Rey was baptized in Seaside, Calif. His dad did not want him to be baptized as a Mormon--even though Subman was Mormon at the time of our marriage and when the Boy was born..... or at least, he wanted him to wait until he was old enough to make the choice on his own.

I believe  El Jay made this decision on his own. He says he loves Jesus and wants to get to know him better.

He was baptized by his oldest brother Taylor. Craig Hubler and Tricia Stainbrook gave talks. The Elders said the prayers and Jeddy did a special musical number.

Thank You, so very much, to everyone who helped make this day special for El Jay.

He will be confirmed in September in Riverdale by his grandfather. 

Taxol #11 Again?

I really do not want to do this infusion. I just want to hit the road and go to California. But I'll see what the doctor says.

Update: No pictures :-(

No infusion. Dr. Khong agreed with me. 

Life is good!

Somehow, somewhere.... I just have to post a picture to every blog.... looking  back in my archives?

 
NOT a great picture/graphic, but this is my most recent quilt. A friend said it reminded her of Summer and Pink Lemonade. I thought that it is SUMMER right now and I am not getting Pink Lemonade, but I do get infused with a cocktail of taxol and who knows what. That is what the front, the side with the crazy quilt squares, is about. Cancer is crazy and unpredictable and controlling. I made the squares in different sizes because cancer comes in various types and severity. The back has the same asymmetrical squares with a small square in the middle. These are breasts, because again they are not uniform in size or shape. The pink triangles are a healthy breast, the gray triangles represent cancer. 

So, there you have it.

Taxol #3

Today was Taxol #3. It was a much easier infusion than #2.

Taxol #2

In the elevator a staff member commented that I had a nice camera . I said i was a photographer documenting my experience. She  then informed me that I cannot take pictures in the Cancer Center of other people because of HIPPA regulations. 

 This is today's SELFIE. The nurse who accessed my PORT (by the way, I decided the port needed a name, because she has gotten so intimate with me. her name is PORTIA) commented that she had written the numbers all screwy. I anted to see, so I took this photo.

 All cancer warriors deserve an award. This keychain was found at a thrift store and my boy gave it to Indigo. In this photo you can see both Indigo and Juno. 

I am a fighter. 

I am a warrior. 

I will be a survivor.

I spent eight hours at the Cancer Center doing my infusion. I had all the normal stuff--Access port. Blood draw. OOPS, cant draw blood, so I got an enzyme that breaks down the fibers around port. Wait. Now blood draw.... wait.....Finally infusion time. Get hydrated. Take benadryl, etc.... then Taxol and stuff. Finally 3.5 hours of potassium. Having low potassium is not a good thing. Because my port is so intimate with me, I named her: PORTIA. It fits.

Near the end of all the infusing, I saw my surgeon. She isn't happy that I will be living at Joy Junction. She promised to talk to people and try to get me some help. I hope she can. I liked her better today than I have in the past. The oncologist was saying we would do the surgery in early September, but Dr. Voltura said IF we cannot get me transferred to Huntsman in Utah after I finish the Taxol, she wanted to do the surgery the first week in August.

Despite a very long day at the Cancer Center, I am feeling more positive about life.

Keeping Pushing Forward

Today. I had a few errands to run. Post Office. Bank. Pharmacy. Gas. I was worried whether I could do those few, simple things alone. Yet, there is no one to ask.

A few days ago, El Jay and I went to Walmart to get a phone card and a few other things. Waiting in line I broke out in a sweat, followed by being chilled. I was grateful I had a cart to lean on. I think we were in line longer than we had spent roaming the store shopping. I was grateful as I pushed the cart outside and to the car. I was exhausted. I was ready to go home. When I reached the car, I stood there leaning on the cart and asked the boy to put the bags in the cargo area. I simply could not move. I told El Jay I was worried that I was going to pass out. I drank a few swallows of soda......A man walking his dog stopped on the sidewalk behind us and watched. I forced myself to expedite putting our few bags in the car and got into the driver seat and sat there as the boy put the cart in the cart return...... I cried as I drove home.

Today went a little better.

I got gas first. It has been two weeks since I last filled Henry's tank up. I had about 1/8th of a tank. I put in just over 10 gallons. Now that I am the only one driving my car, I haven't needed to put out as much $$$$ for gas--which is a blessing. I also got a soda--since I am sure I am dehydrated.

Next stop was the Post Office. The PO Box had only junk mail. I had two packages to mail and thankfully there was no line. As I got in the car I was overwhelmed by cold sweats and I sat there for a few minutes.

Next stop was the Pharmacy/Smith's. As I was driving there. Stopped at a light. A man went thru going the opposite direction. Our eyes met briefly. My heart flip flopped.... he looked so much like El Jay's dad. There is NO way it could be SubMan, but I started crying. A huge mixture of emotions--sadness, anger. I did love him deeply, but he betrayed my family. I'm not sure if I will ever trust again. If I will ever let another man get that close and now.... it seems even less likely I will let anyone in, much less find someone who would want me after I am ravaged by breast cancer.As I drove, I wished it could be SubMan that had cancer. I wondered why I have had to suffer so much and, yes, he is in a bad place being punished.....but why can't it be HIM? He is worthless scum and he will most likely live to 80. Then I felt worse for thinking those thoughts.

Finally, I did my stuff at Smith's. In the check out I realized how tired I felt and decided the bank would have to wait for another day.

I cried the entire way home. Ate lunch and took a four hour nap.

I hate being sick. I hate not be independent. I hate not having an adult in my life. I did not ask for this.

A picture of wisteria that I took last week at the UNM Duck Pond.... it has nothing to do with this post, other than being a pretty picture.

Chemo #4

This has been by far the toughest round to pull out of it has been a week and I still feel like C**P. Literally and figuratively.

I hate this. I did  not ask for it. Why can't anything in my life be easy?

A few chemo fotos.

There is Beauty All Around

I think this is my discouragement BLOG. Or perhaps the honesty blog? Years ago, after Roxcy died, I got a call one day from my Mormon Bishop. He asked how I was doing. I gave him the universal answer, "I am fine." 

He said, "You are not fine. I want your honest answer."

After that I began writing in my journal my Daily "HA", my honest answer.How I really felt. The answers I would not usually share with anyone else. My HA, because HaHaHa.... I had forgotten how to laugh. How to feel. Happiness for me had become a fleeting thing.

We say, "How are you?" And most of the time, we do not want to know the other person's aches and pains, we do not want the truth. By habit we answer, "I am fine, thank you."

On July 11, 2011, the day SUBMAN was sentence, the only thing I remember Jeddy saying is that he wanted to see his mom smile again. He wanted to see me laugh. The powers that be, would that be God? Must have laughed at that moment? Since then, I have continued to be hit by a steady stream of life events that are not happy ones.

I am so tired. I just want to stop trying. To stop fighting. I don't want to be strong. I just want to find peace and joy.

If I could do anything all the time I would take pictures. So, here is a recent picture. Byron in Hawaii sent me one of his back-up cameras. Thank You Byron. You are a life saver.

Discouragement

I just had round #3 of the AC chemo. In three weeks I have the 4th and final round. Then three weeks later I start 12-weeks of the T chemo. Once a week for 12-weeks. In four weeks I meet with the surgeon to see if I am ready for either a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. After surgery and the last chemo I will undergo radiation. Hopefully, in 6-months I will be cancer free.

In December I will hopefully graduate. I have statistics and one math class to complete and after seven-years of going part-time I will be through. I am dreading the math. I love numbers and use to be able to calculate quotes for my clients in my head and I quilt and do not use patterns, so I plan the materials in my head. I think practical math should be taught for most students and not these complicated theories.

I've been feeling discouraged with life in general. I am looking forward to a peaceful life. Something tells me peace comes when I die--and I have no plan to die yet, so I'll continue to do my best. My current struggle is that I need to move ASAP and by May 30th at the latest. I don't see how I can manage that. Today--my day off--I need to finish my taxes and wade thru a bunch of paperwork dealing with whether I qualify for medicaid and an insurance claim.... I'd rather sleep. And I have two commissioned quilts to finish and ship soon.

I am feeling very alone. I have an OK team of healthcare workers and my children (two of the grown boys acted like three-years when they accompanied me to appointments and I invited them not to go with me again). I have a supportive long distance and online group of family and friends. A stressful job where I do not seek friendship away from Joy Junction. I cut ties long ago with any religious groups...... and so, mostly by my own choice, I often feel I am going thru this cancer alone. Such is life, I guess. I wish that for the next few months i had someone to make my decisions, to take some of this stress away. Once in a while, I want a real hug. Not the sweet hugs my 11-year old gives me daily, but one where I am being held--where I can even briefly let go and feel someone Else's strength. I'd like to cry on someone Else's shoulder and hear them whisper that I will be fine.  I've even felt random moments of wanting to be touched intimately, because it won't be the same after surgery. Someone that I can get lost with physically. Yet.... I do not have anyone like that in my life. I do not seek anyone to be intimate with or to help me carry this burden called life. I doubt I will ever be able to trust enough to let anyone into all aspects of my life. I doubt that anyone, especially after surgery, will desire me and love me.

Without a camera I am at a loss today for a photo to place here. Sorry to share only these sad words.

Chemo #3 Fotos

Chemo #3 was postponed, because my white blood cell count was too low. 

I have been taking a few pictures with my cell phone during each chemo round. Here are a few from the last one.

Indigo showing off some new Bling!

 Spencer Photo shopped. He gave me a ride to Chemo and then came back to pick me up. He brought me a cup of Moroccan Mint tea--my favorite kind.

Instead of a knitted cap, this time I received an afghan. 

Now I have a chemo blanket.