Discouragement

I just had round #3 of the AC chemo. In three weeks I have the 4th and final round. Then three weeks later I start 12-weeks of the T chemo. Once a week for 12-weeks. In four weeks I meet with the surgeon to see if I am ready for either a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. After surgery and the last chemo I will undergo radiation. Hopefully, in 6-months I will be cancer free.

In December I will hopefully graduate. I have statistics and one math class to complete and after seven-years of going part-time I will be through. I am dreading the math. I love numbers and use to be able to calculate quotes for my clients in my head and I quilt and do not use patterns, so I plan the materials in my head. I think practical math should be taught for most students and not these complicated theories.

I've been feeling discouraged with life in general. I am looking forward to a peaceful life. Something tells me peace comes when I die--and I have no plan to die yet, so I'll continue to do my best. My current struggle is that I need to move ASAP and by May 30th at the latest. I don't see how I can manage that. Today--my day off--I need to finish my taxes and wade thru a bunch of paperwork dealing with whether I qualify for medicaid and an insurance claim.... I'd rather sleep. And I have two commissioned quilts to finish and ship soon.

I am feeling very alone. I have an OK team of healthcare workers and my children (two of the grown boys acted like three-years when they accompanied me to appointments and I invited them not to go with me again). I have a supportive long distance and online group of family and friends. A stressful job where I do not seek friendship away from Joy Junction. I cut ties long ago with any religious groups...... and so, mostly by my own choice, I often feel I am going thru this cancer alone. Such is life, I guess. I wish that for the next few months i had someone to make my decisions, to take some of this stress away. Once in a while, I want a real hug. Not the sweet hugs my 11-year old gives me daily, but one where I am being held--where I can even briefly let go and feel someone Else's strength. I'd like to cry on someone Else's shoulder and hear them whisper that I will be fine.  I've even felt random moments of wanting to be touched intimately, because it won't be the same after surgery. Someone that I can get lost with physically. Yet.... I do not have anyone like that in my life. I do not seek anyone to be intimate with or to help me carry this burden called life. I doubt I will ever be able to trust enough to let anyone into all aspects of my life. I doubt that anyone, especially after surgery, will desire me and love me.

Without a camera I am at a loss today for a photo to place here. Sorry to share only these sad words.