A few days ago, El Jay and I went to Walmart to get a phone card and a few other things. Waiting in line I broke out in a sweat, followed by being chilled. I was grateful I had a cart to lean on. I think we were in line longer than we had spent roaming the store shopping. I was grateful as I pushed the cart outside and to the car. I was exhausted. I was ready to go home. When I reached the car, I stood there leaning on the cart and asked the boy to put the bags in the cargo area. I simply could not move. I told El Jay I was worried that I was going to pass out. I drank a few swallows of soda......A man walking his dog stopped on the sidewalk behind us and watched. I forced myself to expedite putting our few bags in the car and got into the driver seat and sat there as the boy put the cart in the cart return...... I cried as I drove home.
Today went a little better.
I got gas first. It has been two weeks since I last filled Henry's tank up. I had about 1/8th of a tank. I put in just over 10 gallons. Now that I am the only one driving my car, I haven't needed to put out as much $$$$ for gas--which is a blessing. I also got a soda--since I am sure I am dehydrated.
Next stop was the Post Office. The PO Box had only junk mail. I had two packages to mail and thankfully there was no line. As I got in the car I was overwhelmed by cold sweats and I sat there for a few minutes.
Next stop was the Pharmacy/Smith's. As I was driving there. Stopped at a light. A man went thru going the opposite direction. Our eyes met briefly. My heart flip flopped.... he looked so much like El Jay's dad. There is NO way it could be SubMan, but I started crying. A huge mixture of emotions--sadness, anger. I did love him deeply, but he betrayed my family. I'm not sure if I will ever trust again. If I will ever let another man get that close and now.... it seems even less likely I will let anyone in, much less find someone who would want me after I am ravaged by breast cancer.As I drove, I wished it could be SubMan that had cancer. I wondered why I have had to suffer so much and, yes, he is in a bad place being punished.....but why can't it be HIM? He is worthless scum and he will most likely live to 80. Then I felt worse for thinking those thoughts.
Finally, I did my stuff at Smith's. In the check out I realized how tired I felt and decided the bank would have to wait for another day.
I cried the entire way home. Ate lunch and took a four hour nap.
I hate being sick. I hate not be independent. I hate not having an adult in my life. I did not ask for this.
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