Too Behind

Too behind to ever catch up. This isn't the type of post I should make here. Yet, where else can I express myself. I am feeling really discouraged and alone right now. I was reading and cuddling with my Little One, El Jay, and I started to cry. I try to avoid letting him see me cry. He asked me if I was crying because the daddy dog in the book we were reading had been put to sleep. No, not really. Mommy just.... wants to give up, that's all. No I didn't tell him that.

Tonight doing math homework, I gave up. I sat there, not crying yet, thinking,  I CANNOT DO THIS.... I can't. I can't. I can't. I just can't do it. I've never liked math, but it has never been this hard. I use to be able to figure quotes for my special event clients in my head--multiple item quotes.... I use to make quilts without a pattern and be able to calculate in my head how much fabric I would need.... but it is too hard now. My brain is not woking. I cannot do it and if I fail this class... what then? Will I ever graduate?

I am so tired of school and so ready to give up.

OK, so, maybe, tonight I hit bottom. Usually, after a melt down, I pull out of it and move forward. I am strong. Or so people say. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being alone. I am simply tired.

I can't do this.

Before closing this, I should add a picture, because that's what I do. That is the format.... But??? Of what? For the most part, lately, I've taken happy pictures. If only I could always live, hiding behind my camera, producing a happy facade.

 After making phone calls at the Victory Center for four or so hours, this is about how the place looks to me.

 This was me four-years ago. I was in the ER on Election Day 2008 and didn't vote  This was me about a week later. People ask if I was beat up. No, I had ocular shingles. I chose to post this, not only because it is distantly election related, but because I revisit these images to remind me of hitting bottom and simply wanting to die. This was the worst pain I ever experienced. Things can always be worse then they are. I am struggling right now with health issues caused by a really bad reaction to a medication. I continued to push myself and only made it worse. I haven't said a lot about it because... well people get tired of hearing me whine and  didn't want to worry my family. After all, what could they do? This was one of those things where I was totally alone.

Finally. My reason for continuing to fight to survive during these hard times. This is El Jay's reflection. Perhaps, he is looking at his reflection in the water and wondering who he will be someday? He needs a strong mom to help him become the best person he can be. He is my biggest challenge right now. I adore him, but.... being an older, single mom is not easy.

PS. I knew I had to finish my math homework and take the online quiz by midnight. I couldn't give up. I couldn't accept total failure. I went back and got discouraged with the homework again. I just was so confused.--which is part of the bad reaction to the new med. I had gotten only 65% of the homework correct--but I had not attempted to do 6 out 15 problems. They were just too hard. I pushed myself to open the test and give it a try. There were four problems. I missed all four. However, I can attempt to take the test several times. I studied each problem, made notes, and tried a second time.... I'm not sure where it came from, or I do know, but I don't know.... On my second try I got all four right.

*Tina takes a deep calming breath and sighs*