WHY?

Sometimes we do stupid things. OK. Not WE. Sometimes I do stupid things. Things I regret later.

This internship is one of those stupid things.

Sadly, I am hearing my dad in my head saying, "Stupid, stupid, stupid..." Something I use to hear a lot when I was a child. Or maybe not a lot, but often enough for those words to leave a huge impression. I love my dad and I know he regrets some of the "stupid' things he did while raising us. For the most part, we've talked and tried to work through those problems. But this isn't about that.

Back to the internship.

I did it because I felt I needed something to do and doing that something while getting a few college credits seemed like a good idea. Working for a cause I supported fit into my basic need. More than anything, I needed to force myself to get out of the house and not let my PTSD control me.

Why do I regret making this decision? First, ALL I do is make phone calls. "Hi, my name is Tina and I am a volunteer for the New Mexico Republican party. Can Mitt Romney count on your support in the upcoming election?? "Do you plan to do early voting? Can I give you any information about early voting?" I was told I would do more than sit there for four hours four times a week making phone calls. I hate talking on the phone. Yeah, I have a rotten attitude. Which gets worse by the day. However, I go to work. I don't complain. I do the job I am asked to do. Second, and far worse. I am doing this for college credit ONLY. NO pay. When I registered for the class I was told I had a $75 late registration fee. I could handle that. I asked if my Pell Grant would still apply, because I was registering late. I was told that would NOT be a problem. Turns out it was a problem. Turns out I was too late to have my Pell Grant cover about $1000 in tuition and fees for this Stupid Internship. Turns out that as soon as I registered it was too late for me to cancel the class. Turns out I am stuck with paying those fees. Turns out I cannot register until I've paid them....this internship is not worth $1000. I don't have $1000. I don't know where it will come from.

I got up this morning. I was instantly in a sour mood, because I walked into the room just in time to see El Jay spit on the floor. Once downstairs the two boys were bickering. I drank a cup of tea and ate a piece of toast. I checked my email and  discovered more negative stuff. Part of it having to do with the tuition issue. Part this. Part that. Part a lot of stuff. None of it happy.

I hit bottom. Or close to it. People say I am strong. That I am a survivor. But I'm not. What other choice is there than to keep going? I've always asked, and never gotten an answer, but what happens when I no longer want to be strong? When I've had enough and give up? What then? This morning as I cried, I had a glimpse of that answer as I wondered if anyone would miss me if I was "gone." Maybe El Jay? If I was gone.... what would happen to him? Who would take care of him? At that moment, I really didn't care. I just wanted to feel less pain. I wanted peace in my life.

2012 has been a hard year for me health wise. I've been hospitalized twice over night. I'm getting OLD fast and not doing it gracefully. It scares me, because I have nine more years of parenting to do. I have a very in your face, high energy, clingy nine-year old and I do not see HOW I will keep up with him. I also have Jeddy, who just turned 18 and it is harder to keep up with him than it is to keep up with El Jay. And... I am raising these two boys alone, with no one to count on to co-parent with. Yeah they both have fathers. Both fathers live in California. Jeddy's dad? He is in contact with Jeddy. Jeddy sees him twice a year. But POPS' lives by the creed of, "What happens in Albuquerque stays in Albuquerque. What happens in Monterey stays in Monterey." I called him a month ago after Jeddy had an upper endoscopy done to discuss the results, he said, "Hey, I'm expecting a client any minute. I'll call you back in an hour or so." I'm still waiting for his call back. El Jay's dad? Lost all parental rights. He is in prison and will not be eligible for parole until he is 111-years old. May he live long and prosper where he is and may the world be a better place because he is gone.

So, my life is a mess.... with no resolution or end in sight. It would be nice to feel there was someone out there who believes in me. Someone to support me--not financially or physically, but emotionally.  At least, someone to talk to. But there is only me.

Ahhhh... another post that I would not want a future employer to stumble upon as they search the web for bits and pieces of who TinaMarie Gardner really is. Oh well.... such is life.

Happy Birthday, Jeddy!

 

Jeddy Grant is 18 and legally able to vote!

Oddly, one of the candles blew out on it's own. If you look closely at the smoke in the top picture you can see a face that appears to be blowing.

Having fun with the annual cake photo, Jeddy hid behind the table and popped up to blow out the relit candles.

And not wanting to be left out, Little Brother said, "Now you re-lite the candles and then count.... one...two...three and I will pop out and blow out the candles." Which we did, but he had another surprise in store for me.... and the cat.

Let's All Rally Around....

A photo essay about the Republican Rally at Teguex Park in Albuquerque

 

Part One. (No time to process all the images tonight. )

Happy Birthday Dad.

Today my dad turned 81 years old. I love you, Dad. I know I don't say that often enough.

This is my dad as a toddler. it isn't a great picture, but I like it.

So much of who I am is because of my father. Growing up, we camped, hiked, and explored the world together. My dad knows a lot about flowers and plants and he shared his knowledge with me. 

I won't say he taught me about photography, although, he did in a less direct way.  He took a lot of pictures and thru him I was exposed to photography. When I asked to use his camera starting in first grade, he encouraged me. Our styles are very different, but he really was my first mentor and critic. 

The flower picture below is for my dad. For ALL  he still does for me.

Neck and neck...

I've been asked more than once which candidate for President I think will win. My prediction is a really close race, with Obama winning by a fairly small margin.

I hope not, but......

I'd like Romney to win.I do believe he will do a better job. I feel Obama has not held up his campaign promises of four years ago. I am ready for a change. I also feel the president should be in office for just one term. No matter WHO they are. I've wondered about how effective a six year term would be. Every election you hear about how the President spent most of his presidency cleaning up the mess made by the last president (Senate, House, etc....) The president then spends the last year of each four year term campaigning for himself or the party nominee.... Perhaps one six year term would be more affective?

Too Behind

Too behind to ever catch up. This isn't the type of post I should make here. Yet, where else can I express myself. I am feeling really discouraged and alone right now. I was reading and cuddling with my Little One, El Jay, and I started to cry. I try to avoid letting him see me cry. He asked me if I was crying because the daddy dog in the book we were reading had been put to sleep. No, not really. Mommy just.... wants to give up, that's all. No I didn't tell him that.

Tonight doing math homework, I gave up. I sat there, not crying yet, thinking,  I CANNOT DO THIS.... I can't. I can't. I can't. I just can't do it. I've never liked math, but it has never been this hard. I use to be able to figure quotes for my special event clients in my head--multiple item quotes.... I use to make quilts without a pattern and be able to calculate in my head how much fabric I would need.... but it is too hard now. My brain is not woking. I cannot do it and if I fail this class... what then? Will I ever graduate?

I am so tired of school and so ready to give up.

OK, so, maybe, tonight I hit bottom. Usually, after a melt down, I pull out of it and move forward. I am strong. Or so people say. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being alone. I am simply tired.

I can't do this.

Before closing this, I should add a picture, because that's what I do. That is the format.... But??? Of what? For the most part, lately, I've taken happy pictures. If only I could always live, hiding behind my camera, producing a happy facade.

 After making phone calls at the Victory Center for four or so hours, this is about how the place looks to me.

 This was me four-years ago. I was in the ER on Election Day 2008 and didn't vote  This was me about a week later. People ask if I was beat up. No, I had ocular shingles. I chose to post this, not only because it is distantly election related, but because I revisit these images to remind me of hitting bottom and simply wanting to die. This was the worst pain I ever experienced. Things can always be worse then they are. I am struggling right now with health issues caused by a really bad reaction to a medication. I continued to push myself and only made it worse. I haven't said a lot about it because... well people get tired of hearing me whine and  didn't want to worry my family. After all, what could they do? This was one of those things where I was totally alone.

Finally. My reason for continuing to fight to survive during these hard times. This is El Jay's reflection. Perhaps, he is looking at his reflection in the water and wondering who he will be someday? He needs a strong mom to help him become the best person he can be. He is my biggest challenge right now. I adore him, but.... being an older, single mom is not easy.

PS. I knew I had to finish my math homework and take the online quiz by midnight. I couldn't give up. I couldn't accept total failure. I went back and got discouraged with the homework again. I just was so confused.--which is part of the bad reaction to the new med. I had gotten only 65% of the homework correct--but I had not attempted to do 6 out 15 problems. They were just too hard. I pushed myself to open the test and give it a try. There were four problems. I missed all four. However, I can attempt to take the test several times. I studied each problem, made notes, and tried a second time.... I'm not sure where it came from, or I do know, but I don't know.... On my second try I got all four right.

*Tina takes a deep calming breath and sighs*

It is Balloon Fiesta Week in Albuquerque. I've only gotten pictures on three days. Last Saturday and today the mass ascension was canceled. Plus, getting the boys to school makes it hard to get over near the point of lift off.... Oddly on the three days I have gotten anything besides the drive-by shootings, my favorite pictures have been of flags. Normally I would share this type of photography at my Indigo Foto Studios Blog, but the flag theme seems to be one of my themes here,too.

 

Do you see the American flag?

 

This is the same image. I played with it at picmonkey--stretching and sizing to the facebook timeline banner size, and using the warhol filter in blue and red to make it pop.....

  

As I was arriving home from taking Jeddy to school, I saw this image over a house at the end of the block.The American flag and a US Flag balloon.

On Wednesday I had a few extra minutes after dropping Jeddy off, so I headed North on Edith. 

For no real reason, except to pull over and take pictures, I pulled to the side of the road here.... Then I saw this tattered flag and knew why I had felt prompted to stop.

 I love the two perpendicular lines... the one going top to bottom of the old, forgotten flag and the barbed-wire line along the horizon. I love the balloon and rising sun almost mimicking in shape....

The Balloon Mass Ascension was canceled today due to rain and wind. I hope that tomorrow and Sunday, I will get to follow where the wind is blowing to find not only great balloon shots, but other American flags, too.