Keeping Pushing Forward

Today. I had a few errands to run. Post Office. Bank. Pharmacy. Gas. I was worried whether I could do those few, simple things alone. Yet, there is no one to ask.

A few days ago, El Jay and I went to Walmart to get a phone card and a few other things. Waiting in line I broke out in a sweat, followed by being chilled. I was grateful I had a cart to lean on. I think we were in line longer than we had spent roaming the store shopping. I was grateful as I pushed the cart outside and to the car. I was exhausted. I was ready to go home. When I reached the car, I stood there leaning on the cart and asked the boy to put the bags in the cargo area. I simply could not move. I told El Jay I was worried that I was going to pass out. I drank a few swallows of soda......A man walking his dog stopped on the sidewalk behind us and watched. I forced myself to expedite putting our few bags in the car and got into the driver seat and sat there as the boy put the cart in the cart return...... I cried as I drove home.

Today went a little better.

I got gas first. It has been two weeks since I last filled Henry's tank up. I had about 1/8th of a tank. I put in just over 10 gallons. Now that I am the only one driving my car, I haven't needed to put out as much $$$$ for gas--which is a blessing. I also got a soda--since I am sure I am dehydrated.

Next stop was the Post Office. The PO Box had only junk mail. I had two packages to mail and thankfully there was no line. As I got in the car I was overwhelmed by cold sweats and I sat there for a few minutes.

Next stop was the Pharmacy/Smith's. As I was driving there. Stopped at a light. A man went thru going the opposite direction. Our eyes met briefly. My heart flip flopped.... he looked so much like El Jay's dad. There is NO way it could be SubMan, but I started crying. A huge mixture of emotions--sadness, anger. I did love him deeply, but he betrayed my family. I'm not sure if I will ever trust again. If I will ever let another man get that close and now.... it seems even less likely I will let anyone in, much less find someone who would want me after I am ravaged by breast cancer.As I drove, I wished it could be SubMan that had cancer. I wondered why I have had to suffer so much and, yes, he is in a bad place being punished.....but why can't it be HIM? He is worthless scum and he will most likely live to 80. Then I felt worse for thinking those thoughts.

Finally, I did my stuff at Smith's. In the check out I realized how tired I felt and decided the bank would have to wait for another day.

I cried the entire way home. Ate lunch and took a four hour nap.

I hate being sick. I hate not be independent. I hate not having an adult in my life. I did not ask for this.

A picture of wisteria that I took last week at the UNM Duck Pond.... it has nothing to do with this post, other than being a pretty picture.

Chemo #4

This has been by far the toughest round to pull out of it has been a week and I still feel like C**P. Literally and figuratively.

I hate this. I did  not ask for it. Why can't anything in my life be easy?

A few chemo fotos.

There is Beauty All Around

I think this is my discouragement BLOG. Or perhaps the honesty blog? Years ago, after Roxcy died, I got a call one day from my Mormon Bishop. He asked how I was doing. I gave him the universal answer, "I am fine." 

He said, "You are not fine. I want your honest answer."

After that I began writing in my journal my Daily "HA", my honest answer.How I really felt. The answers I would not usually share with anyone else. My HA, because HaHaHa.... I had forgotten how to laugh. How to feel. Happiness for me had become a fleeting thing.

We say, "How are you?" And most of the time, we do not want to know the other person's aches and pains, we do not want the truth. By habit we answer, "I am fine, thank you."

On July 11, 2011, the day SUBMAN was sentence, the only thing I remember Jeddy saying is that he wanted to see his mom smile again. He wanted to see me laugh. The powers that be, would that be God? Must have laughed at that moment? Since then, I have continued to be hit by a steady stream of life events that are not happy ones.

I am so tired. I just want to stop trying. To stop fighting. I don't want to be strong. I just want to find peace and joy.

If I could do anything all the time I would take pictures. So, here is a recent picture. Byron in Hawaii sent me one of his back-up cameras. Thank You Byron. You are a life saver.

Discouragement

I just had round #3 of the AC chemo. In three weeks I have the 4th and final round. Then three weeks later I start 12-weeks of the T chemo. Once a week for 12-weeks. In four weeks I meet with the surgeon to see if I am ready for either a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. After surgery and the last chemo I will undergo radiation. Hopefully, in 6-months I will be cancer free.

In December I will hopefully graduate. I have statistics and one math class to complete and after seven-years of going part-time I will be through. I am dreading the math. I love numbers and use to be able to calculate quotes for my clients in my head and I quilt and do not use patterns, so I plan the materials in my head. I think practical math should be taught for most students and not these complicated theories.

I've been feeling discouraged with life in general. I am looking forward to a peaceful life. Something tells me peace comes when I die--and I have no plan to die yet, so I'll continue to do my best. My current struggle is that I need to move ASAP and by May 30th at the latest. I don't see how I can manage that. Today--my day off--I need to finish my taxes and wade thru a bunch of paperwork dealing with whether I qualify for medicaid and an insurance claim.... I'd rather sleep. And I have two commissioned quilts to finish and ship soon.

I am feeling very alone. I have an OK team of healthcare workers and my children (two of the grown boys acted like three-years when they accompanied me to appointments and I invited them not to go with me again). I have a supportive long distance and online group of family and friends. A stressful job where I do not seek friendship away from Joy Junction. I cut ties long ago with any religious groups...... and so, mostly by my own choice, I often feel I am going thru this cancer alone. Such is life, I guess. I wish that for the next few months i had someone to make my decisions, to take some of this stress away. Once in a while, I want a real hug. Not the sweet hugs my 11-year old gives me daily, but one where I am being held--where I can even briefly let go and feel someone Else's strength. I'd like to cry on someone Else's shoulder and hear them whisper that I will be fine.  I've even felt random moments of wanting to be touched intimately, because it won't be the same after surgery. Someone that I can get lost with physically. Yet.... I do not have anyone like that in my life. I do not seek anyone to be intimate with or to help me carry this burden called life. I doubt I will ever be able to trust enough to let anyone into all aspects of my life. I doubt that anyone, especially after surgery, will desire me and love me.

Without a camera I am at a loss today for a photo to place here. Sorry to share only these sad words.

Chemo #3 Fotos

Chemo #3 was postponed, because my white blood cell count was too low. 

I have been taking a few pictures with my cell phone during each chemo round. Here are a few from the last one.

Indigo showing off some new Bling!

 Spencer Photo shopped. He gave me a ride to Chemo and then came back to pick me up. He brought me a cup of Moroccan Mint tea--my favorite kind.

Instead of a knitted cap, this time I received an afghan. 

Now I have a chemo blanket.

Chemo #3

Today I am scheduled to take Chemo #3. 

You know, it's kind of like Love Potion #9, but not. Not at all. 

I do not love this. I will never love what has happened to my body.

This is certainly not something on my bucket-list.

If life was a series of trading cards, 

I would trade what is happening to my body with someone else in a second.

But not really, simply because you can't do that. 

Life does not work that way. 

Questions?

 I've received these emails.....What are the answers?

1)    Tina I'm so sorry you are in this situation, I know you are strong, but honey you can't do
this alone. You need support. Where is your children? Are they helping? You need to have a family meeting and ask each one to make a commitment to you to help. That might mean financial, or spiritually or just comfort. Each one can help in some way. Even your x should help out, you are his children's mother. Mend bridges and. Make friends.  If that won't work go to your siblings, then your cousins... And so on. I promise to see what I can do for you... I hate to see you struggle, you can get help from people who love you. I just lost Annette and you would be to much for me to handle.... Love you cuz.

 2)    Can you take a medical leave of absence from school and work, during the initial phase of your treatment? You CAN NOT have any stress whatsoever during your treatment!! Your surgeon will be the first to tell you this. Your family has to accommodate this for you. I can't even imagine that they would be so selfish as not to. Your children must rally around you now. Call them home now Tina. This is what family does. They need to "family up" as we call it up here. Time to "Matriarch up" and get your brood helping you get to your goal! Go Tina!!!

 Today was the 2nd rough day in a row.... Yesterday I met with the surgeon and I still do not have confidence in her. The entire visit was not good.  I had flu-like symptoms. Depression. Today I got chewed out twice for being 15-minutes late for work. i was stuck in traffic for 30-minutes. Still achy and tired... and while I know other care and are worried, multiple that by, I don't know 25 times? 50? This is my body. My life. Yes, they can worry, but I have to live this and it is beginning to feel like I am going to have this huge financial burden and that I won't be able to tak care of Logan.

Maybe.... I should opt to let nature take it's course. I do not want to go thru this. Life has been far too hard. I would welcome the peace of death.

Don't worry.... Logan's well being comes before my own and he needs a mom more.