weary

The word for today is WEARY. That is how I am feeling.

I've told the story of giving honest answers, I think. My HAs. After Roxcy died I was asked how I was and I gave the standard answer, "I'm fine." (Honestly, how many of us really want to hear how someone really feels?) I was told to give the honest answer for this person knew I was not fine. After that for awhile I recorded in my journal daily my HAs or honest answers.....the true way I felt and most likely wouldn't share.

Today I am weary. To the bone, inside out. I hear the other side calling. it seems so close. I'd rather not be where I am. I am so tired of the day to day effort to survive.

Radiation

I am slowly healing from the surgery and today I met with the radiologist. I just want to get done with this stage of my life.

I didn't take any pictures. This is a recent one from the yard.

Surgery

I haven't recoded much about the operation. I guess there isn't much to record? I went in. The cancer was removed. End of story. Is that denial? The pathology came back. It looks like they got it all. YAY. I've been removed from what the doctor said.

The day was more involved than that. I got a mammogram, I got ink put in me. I went to sleep. I remember they put the mask on me and said to breathe. In and out. Then I was told they were putting something in intravenously and would get tired. When I started the breathing I went to my meadow place and the giant butterfly was fluttering around and Dixon was there and he curled up on my lap and I don't remember anything after that, until they woke me up. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to come back and I was crying. I was still in the warm, sunny meadow, but I was with a little boy with hair the same color as Dixon's--maybe that was Dixon in another life?

The doctor told me it had gone well.... and I just wanted to go back to sleep and i cried. She said she would talk to me when I was more awake. Why did I have to come back to this life. To this place. I do not want to be here.

Pictures. Before & AFter.

Happy 20th Birthday Jedcat

Jeddy Grant turned 20 yesterday. It has been quite a journey. I love and appreciate him so much for all he is doing to help me right now and for his many sacrifices. Happy birthday to my Gentle Giant.

So, this is a scanned photo of him THEN. Circa 1998/97?

And NOW.... a few quick birthday fotos from yesterday. These fall into the catagory of Family Fotos and therefore may not be perfect, but are about life, day to day, in my household.

And finally..... One pose, several processing methods. Always the student. Always wondering what works best. In this case, I wanted to make sure his fabulous eyes stood out and eliminate  background noise. Which do you like best? 

Crowd Funding

My children have organized a fund raiser to help me with the cost of cancer, of not being able to work, for day to day expenses, and eventually to move into my own place. More than anything.... I want to be independent again. I want to live in my own little house with Logan and the dog. I want to go to work everyday. I want to take people pictures and make $$$ while I do. I want to finish college..... but my life is on hold.

First, I have to be cancer-free. I have to be well again. I can do this. I can. I can. Just not today. Not yet and I need help until I can reach the level of independence again.

If you read this--and I doubt I have very many people following me here--please, share the go fund me link with your family and friends. Please. The more shares we get, the more people it will reach and the more chances there are that we will raise the amount of money we need to achieve our goals.

Thank you.

:-)GOFUNDME Link

Less Than One Week

On Friday, October 17th, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy on my right breast.

The 3.5 centimeter lump was melted by chemo. It did not show up in the MRI I had in August. The swollen lymph node was no longer swollen. There was no sign of cancer. Of course, that does not mean I am cancer free. We will not know how much of my breast has to be removed until we are in surgery.  I hate this uncertainty. I am praying for another great out-come during surgery.

I have not been taking bra pictures. I rarely get out. Most days Jeddy has my car with him at work. I am feeling stronger, but I still get all rubbery legged, sweaty, and tired, so I stay at home.I've kind of allowed my photo project to die and fizzle.

A week ago, we all wore pink t-shirts and in honor of breast Cancer Awareness tried to get family photos. I even sprayed my peach fuzz hair pink.  I was disappointed in the outcome. Oh well....

I look forward to regaining my independence. To having a life again. To moving on to the next stage of this life.

The Boy is Confirmed

It took longer than planned, but the Boy was finally confirmed a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints & he received the gift of the Holy Ghost. We had arranged for my dad to come to Riverdale and do it on Sept. 14th, but he forgot and stood us up or his anger with Jeddy and me got in the way, I don't know. However, a little boy was hurt and disappointed and this was HIS day, not mine, not Jeddy's, not Wayne's, not my dad's.... it should have been a day to set aside all this other crap for El Jay and this huge event in his life. it was a day to give unconditional love and show forgiveness.

Then we had scheduling problems and had to find someone to take time to come to Riverdale. A friend was going to do it, but Jeddy had to work that day. I was getting anxious, because it would be two-weeks again before we could do it and my surgery is coming up, etc..... and that ordnance is not complete until one is confirmed by the laying on of hands--just being dunked in the water is not enough. So, Jeddy arranged to get off work early and he asked his Uncle Brian to come here to confirm his little brother.

On Sunday, Sept. 28th, the Boy was finally fully a member.

I always have to remind the boy to change after church, so the one time I was planning on taking pictures after church, he ran in and changed without being told.  El Jay with Uncle Brian.

The Mormon Elders that taught the Boy.