So much to do

Finally got the CT, MRI, Bone Scan and Muga scheduled. Actually, they had scheduled them already and each department just needed to let me know when. All four were scheduled on days I am working. Which would have meant asking for all four days off..... I managed to get each one scheduled during hours I am not working. WHEW.....

I wish I did not have to work during this journey.

I wish I had someone to help me thru this period of my life.

I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me that I will be alright.

If I started taking pictures of bras as away of tracking my own journey--long before I had breast cancer, then today this is how I am feeling :-(

Normally, I carry a few of the Sisters in the trunk of my car, just in case I see a good location to get photos. Today, however, this foto op found me, sort of. My camera died a few days before Christmas. When I saw this bra, I knew I had to go back to get the foto. El Jay had a cheap little camera and I can use it.  It was kind of dreary looking out. A bit windy. I really, really wished I had my camera, but.... I am at that place in life where i simply have to make do with the resources i have. Yes? I added contrast and upped the saturation and I kind of like the results.

Meeting With Oncologist

I guess I am finally getting somewhere. I met with the specialist today. I like her. I have a bunch of tests to take before I can meet with the surgeon.

The UNM Cancer Center is an amazing building and I missed my camera. I would have liked to document this stage of my journey. I did use my cell phone camera, but I have no idea how to download those pictures.

When I arrived and was checking in I was given this handy dandy bag to keep all of my important paperwork into. I look at it as my absolute favorite Christmas gift and I will cherish it. Everyone needs a UNM Cancer Center tote bag. Yes? Yes, I am being sarcastic.

I took this using Logan's camera and i included the other garbage from this appointment ;-)

Trudging Thru the Snow

Today. Biopsy.

I'll come back and update this later.

Yes, Mammagram

Today I had a mammogram and an ultrasound.

They found a lump and a swollen lymph node. They scheduled me for a biopsy on Dec 5th.

I took a couple of the Sisters for support.

Hmmmmm?

I had a diabetes check today with my regular doctor and told her about the lump and wanted to know if I had been scheduled yet for a mammo.

I do NOT like my regular doctor because she always makes me feel like.... my complaints are not valid. She brushes me off and rushes me thru.

Turns out the form for the mammo had never been faxed to the mammography place. She wasn't concerned. She gave me the speech about not needing to have a mammo every year--just every other year. And not needing an annual pap smear any more and, hey, while we are at it.... you do not need to do self breast exams either.

Oh... and just be patient, They'd FAX the form for the mammo and it would be scheduled.

And now... more waiting....

 A pink pachyderm.  The ABQ Zoo has a new baby.

Real Thing

Today.

I made an appointment to see a doctor at the clinic I go to. I think it is funny that her name is Dr. Bustos and she examined my breast.

She was an intern or resident. She thought it might be just part of my normal musculature, but she said she would order a mammogram. As I was getting dressed she came back to my examining room and said the doctor she reports to wanted to have a look. This doctor came in and confirmed it is a large lump, but she wasn't concerned, because she felt it would have been caught on my last mammogram and, therefore, thought it might be a cyst or an infected duct. However, she thought my last mammo was in July 2013.

"No," I said, "It was in July 2012."

I saw her face change. It was silent in the room and she said, "We definately need to have a mammogram and an ultrasound done as soon as possible."

I was hoping it would be part of my breast musculature. 

Figment of My Imagination

I lost my job 10-days ago.

Today, while in the shower, I found a lump in my right breast at about 3 or 4 o'clock. I was always told that a lump was the size of a pea. This is not a pea, it is a large marble. It feels huge.

It wasn't there two months ago, or was it three months? I do self breast exams every few months. This lump is so large and obvious that I don't know how I missed it before now.

Hopefully, it is nothing. Hopefully, it is a figment of my imagination.

A Windy Fall Morning in ABQ

Fight Like a Girl!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Life is a Battle Field

I do not use the desk in my bedroom. I do allow El Jay to use my lap top there. I wasn't really paying attention to the mess he was creating. He plays the game Mine Craft, but he also sets up his Legos and army men..... this is three days of El Jay's play.

For so long life has felt like a battle field. Unkind. Scary. Uncertain from day to day. It is kind of nice to go to work five days a week..... I am still worried about how I will pay bills, but with each paycheck some of that fear is lifted. By mid-November, I think, I will be able to start saving towards a newer car and moving into my own place. Oh, well, maybe not, by then I will be buying for Christmas. I think I'll buy many of my Christmas gifts at Alamosa Books this year.

Shoes Needed. Please Donate.

 

I am an Intern at Joy Junction this Fall--totally on a volunteer basis. I am limited in what I can share here, but they have many needs. One thing they can always use is shoes. I saw these tennis shoes hanging from the electrical wire. I am not sure this works for JJ's needs, but I liked the humor.

Fall Semester

Not excited about school. However, if all goes as planned I will graduate in May. YAY!

This semester I have a math class. Creative Concepts. And an Internship with Joy Junction.

Plus, by mid-October I'll be working 33 hours a week... and there is always my boys.

I love my job.

I'm burned out on school.

I've already been sick, but had to push myself to keep going. There is no choice.

On the other hand.... my little car isn't feeling well. I need a healthy car to do all this stuff.

A few fotos I've shot lately.

Jeddy at UNM

Jeddy will be a Freshman at UNM majoring in Music Theory.

Sadly, I never completed his Senior Fotos. It is kind of late now. However, I got quite a few awesome, portfolio quality images of him, plus pictures from each performance during his senior year. I guess that is more than the average high school senior gets.

I do not plan to document his Freshman year at UNM, but he was with me one day on campus when I had the camera. I believe this set of photos will conclude the "Year Book" I am making him for his last year in high school.

Finally

I have a job!

I will be an evening supervisor at a local independent bookstore. I am excited :-)

 

UNM. Center of the University. Foto by Jeddy.

Finding Beauty

I took my camera with me today when I had stuff to do at UNM. I figured I'd have time to kill, plus I could stop and shoot a few pictures running between each location. The computer/internet was down, so I wasn't able to do everything I wanted. Nothing was going my way, but I was pleased to get some beautiful images.

Never Give Up

El Jay I had planned an adventure at the park, but it rained.  At first he wanted to stay home, but we went after all. He wanted to have a photo shoot. He made it clear that he was in charge and got to call the shots. However, the play equipment was really wet still. He kept slipping. I kept telling him that we didn't have to do this, but he insisted on doing it. He refused to quit. He said, "Mom, never give up. OK? This is something I have to do."

That is such an awesome message from a 10-year old. I've struggled a lot lately. I've had a lot of decisions to make. I've considered taking a break from school, but I know if I do it will be hard to go back and finish. However, I am going to remember his advise and Never Give Up!

Counting Blessings

I shot this an hour ago and stumbled upon the quote shortly after.

Today is National Lollypop Day.

Utah or Bust

I imagine that a year from now, I will live in Utah. My dad keeps asking me to move there, to help him. I keep saying that I will move to Utah after I graduate.

EL Jay and I just made a trip to Utah. To see dad and to shoot a wedding. These are a few of the pictures I took. It was a nice trip. Wayne and I even had a few good conversations. He was very patient with El Jay.

Honestly? I do not want to move to Utah. EVER. I do not want to live with my dad and my brother.  I do not need the stress. Yet, I know I will. After I graduate, I'll move to Utah and begin saving $$$$, so I can get a place of my own for Logan and me. Maybe after a year, I'll have enough to move somewhere I really wan to be. Hopefully. However, life never happens according to my plans. A lot can happen in the next year and something greater than I am will place me where He wants me to be. Which seems rather unfair.

This hook, somehow, portrays how I feel about this future move. Not sure I can put the reason into words. It is wonderful to know that I have a place to go and live rent free while I get back on my feet. I will not be homeless. Living at my dad's house..... will mean giving up some of my independence. It will mean walking on egg shells around both men. It won't be easy. It will take a lot of effort to make it work, but I can do it.... when the time comes.

Photo Identification!

I was just in Utah visiting with dad and we identified this image of his grandparents on their wedding day. How cool is that? I know my dad was thrilled. He--Joseph Smith Gardner--definitely has that Gardner look. I think he may look a little like Jeddy--or is it the other way around?

Joseph Smith Gardner, who I am told was called Jody, died on June 13, 1901 which was his 41st birthday (just a few weeks after my grandfather was born.) I  had only seen pictures of him with a beard. Was he really 24 in this image?

 

Joseph Smith Gardner & Ariadne Tranquilla Huffacre Gardner

October 2, 1884

I just wanted to thank everyone who participated in Manny's Food Drive.