Don't Smile. Don't Cry. Don't Move.

 I've been called cold hearted. 

I was called a brat. I've been called ungrateful. I was told to go to hell. 

I guess I am cold hearted. Perhaps it comes from being told by my dad as a child to "Go get my friend." His friend was his belt. It didn't take much to set him off. This is a subject Wayne and I discussed and we agreed that this was a huge factor in both of our mental health issues as adults.

"What are you laughing about. Go get my friend."
 "Bend over and hold your ankles."
"You flinched, I'm giving you five more whacks."
"What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry about."

I was taught to not display any kind of emotion around my father. We walked on egg shells, because we never knew what would set him off.  We tried so hard to please this man, who could never be pleased. Perhaps, because of that, I am cold hearted. Why show emotion? Why let people close? When you are afraid of being beaten down one more time?

Why did all three of my father's daughters marry abusive men?

I have PTSD. Therapists attribute it to the extreme physical, emotional and verbal abuse WE suffered as children. They also feel other life events attributed to it--such as Roxcy dying of SIDS and two abusive marriages.

The day that Sub-Man caught my legs and pulled me down as I ran up the stairs to escape him and then while he lay on top of me holding my wrists and yelling into my face from an inch away, I swore I would never again tolerate any sort of abuse in my life. I swore I would stand up for myself. I would fight back. And I have.

Lately there has been some name calling. Yes, some of it by me. Things were said by all of us that can never be taken back. I'm not sure how I feel about that because a lot of hurtful words were tossed at me and some wounds I thought were healing had the scabs ripped off from them. I have done nothing wrong, but I am told that I killed my brother.

I hurt so much right now.

Taxol #12

Taxol #12 was canceled. I am done with that stage of my cancer treatments. YAY!

It was kind of sad. I've heard the nurses in infusion make a fuss over the patients on their last day. I've seen people bring signs. None of that for me. However, I will now move on to the next phase which is surgery on about Oct 10th. Radiation will begin about 4-weeks after surgery.... and then..... I can move on.

#12 was canceled because of the severity of the numbness in my hands and feet. At the same time, my WBC count was a little low. My liver function was a little off. My blood pressure and blood sugar were a little high, and I had a UTI. it really was not one of my better check ups.

Taxol #11 Revisited

3rd time was the charm.

Today all systems were GO

and I got infused. 

YAY! I Guess.

The Boy is Baptized.

At the age of 11-years, 8-months, and 18-days (???) El Jay Rey was baptized in Seaside, Calif. His dad did not want him to be baptized as a Mormon--even though Subman was Mormon at the time of our marriage and when the Boy was born..... or at least, he wanted him to wait until he was old enough to make the choice on his own.

I believe  El Jay made this decision on his own. He says he loves Jesus and wants to get to know him better.

He was baptized by his oldest brother Taylor. Craig Hubler and Tricia Stainbrook gave talks. The Elders said the prayers and Jeddy did a special musical number.

Thank You, so very much, to everyone who helped make this day special for El Jay.

He will be confirmed in September in Riverdale by his grandfather. 

Taxol #11 Again?

I really do not want to do this infusion. I just want to hit the road and go to California. But I'll see what the doctor says.

Update: No pictures :-(

No infusion. Dr. Khong agreed with me. 

Life is good!

Somehow, somewhere.... I just have to post a picture to every blog.... looking  back in my archives?

 
NOT a great picture/graphic, but this is my most recent quilt. A friend said it reminded her of Summer and Pink Lemonade. I thought that it is SUMMER right now and I am not getting Pink Lemonade, but I do get infused with a cocktail of taxol and who knows what. That is what the front, the side with the crazy quilt squares, is about. Cancer is crazy and unpredictable and controlling. I made the squares in different sizes because cancer comes in various types and severity. The back has the same asymmetrical squares with a small square in the middle. These are breasts, because again they are not uniform in size or shape. The pink triangles are a healthy breast, the gray triangles represent cancer. 

So, there you have it.

Taxol #3

Today was Taxol #3. It was a much easier infusion than #2.

Taxol #2

In the elevator a staff member commented that I had a nice camera . I said i was a photographer documenting my experience. She  then informed me that I cannot take pictures in the Cancer Center of other people because of HIPPA regulations. 

 This is today's SELFIE. The nurse who accessed my PORT (by the way, I decided the port needed a name, because she has gotten so intimate with me. her name is PORTIA) commented that she had written the numbers all screwy. I anted to see, so I took this photo.

 All cancer warriors deserve an award. This keychain was found at a thrift store and my boy gave it to Indigo. In this photo you can see both Indigo and Juno. 

I am a fighter. 

I am a warrior. 

I will be a survivor.

I spent eight hours at the Cancer Center doing my infusion. I had all the normal stuff--Access port. Blood draw. OOPS, cant draw blood, so I got an enzyme that breaks down the fibers around port. Wait. Now blood draw.... wait.....Finally infusion time. Get hydrated. Take benadryl, etc.... then Taxol and stuff. Finally 3.5 hours of potassium. Having low potassium is not a good thing. Because my port is so intimate with me, I named her: PORTIA. It fits.

Near the end of all the infusing, I saw my surgeon. She isn't happy that I will be living at Joy Junction. She promised to talk to people and try to get me some help. I hope she can. I liked her better today than I have in the past. The oncologist was saying we would do the surgery in early September, but Dr. Voltura said IF we cannot get me transferred to Huntsman in Utah after I finish the Taxol, she wanted to do the surgery the first week in August.

Despite a very long day at the Cancer Center, I am feeling more positive about life.