Keeping Pushing Forward

Today. I had a few errands to run. Post Office. Bank. Pharmacy. Gas. I was worried whether I could do those few, simple things alone. Yet, there is no one to ask.

A few days ago, El Jay and I went to Walmart to get a phone card and a few other things. Waiting in line I broke out in a sweat, followed by being chilled. I was grateful I had a cart to lean on. I think we were in line longer than we had spent roaming the store shopping. I was grateful as I pushed the cart outside and to the car. I was exhausted. I was ready to go home. When I reached the car, I stood there leaning on the cart and asked the boy to put the bags in the cargo area. I simply could not move. I told El Jay I was worried that I was going to pass out. I drank a few swallows of soda......A man walking his dog stopped on the sidewalk behind us and watched. I forced myself to expedite putting our few bags in the car and got into the driver seat and sat there as the boy put the cart in the cart return...... I cried as I drove home.

Today went a little better.

I got gas first. It has been two weeks since I last filled Henry's tank up. I had about 1/8th of a tank. I put in just over 10 gallons. Now that I am the only one driving my car, I haven't needed to put out as much $$$$ for gas--which is a blessing. I also got a soda--since I am sure I am dehydrated.

Next stop was the Post Office. The PO Box had only junk mail. I had two packages to mail and thankfully there was no line. As I got in the car I was overwhelmed by cold sweats and I sat there for a few minutes.

Next stop was the Pharmacy/Smith's. As I was driving there. Stopped at a light. A man went thru going the opposite direction. Our eyes met briefly. My heart flip flopped.... he looked so much like El Jay's dad. There is NO way it could be SubMan, but I started crying. A huge mixture of emotions--sadness, anger. I did love him deeply, but he betrayed my family. I'm not sure if I will ever trust again. If I will ever let another man get that close and now.... it seems even less likely I will let anyone in, much less find someone who would want me after I am ravaged by breast cancer.As I drove, I wished it could be SubMan that had cancer. I wondered why I have had to suffer so much and, yes, he is in a bad place being punished.....but why can't it be HIM? He is worthless scum and he will most likely live to 80. Then I felt worse for thinking those thoughts.

Finally, I did my stuff at Smith's. In the check out I realized how tired I felt and decided the bank would have to wait for another day.

I cried the entire way home. Ate lunch and took a four hour nap.

I hate being sick. I hate not be independent. I hate not having an adult in my life. I did not ask for this.

A picture of wisteria that I took last week at the UNM Duck Pond.... it has nothing to do with this post, other than being a pretty picture.

Chemo #4

This has been by far the toughest round to pull out of it has been a week and I still feel like C**P. Literally and figuratively.

I hate this. I did  not ask for it. Why can't anything in my life be easy?

A few chemo fotos.

There is Beauty All Around

I think this is my discouragement BLOG. Or perhaps the honesty blog? Years ago, after Roxcy died, I got a call one day from my Mormon Bishop. He asked how I was doing. I gave him the universal answer, "I am fine." 

He said, "You are not fine. I want your honest answer."

After that I began writing in my journal my Daily "HA", my honest answer.How I really felt. The answers I would not usually share with anyone else. My HA, because HaHaHa.... I had forgotten how to laugh. How to feel. Happiness for me had become a fleeting thing.

We say, "How are you?" And most of the time, we do not want to know the other person's aches and pains, we do not want the truth. By habit we answer, "I am fine, thank you."

On July 11, 2011, the day SUBMAN was sentence, the only thing I remember Jeddy saying is that he wanted to see his mom smile again. He wanted to see me laugh. The powers that be, would that be God? Must have laughed at that moment? Since then, I have continued to be hit by a steady stream of life events that are not happy ones.

I am so tired. I just want to stop trying. To stop fighting. I don't want to be strong. I just want to find peace and joy.

If I could do anything all the time I would take pictures. So, here is a recent picture. Byron in Hawaii sent me one of his back-up cameras. Thank You Byron. You are a life saver.