Less Than One Week

On Friday, October 17th, I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy on my right breast.

The 3.5 centimeter lump was melted by chemo. It did not show up in the MRI I had in August. The swollen lymph node was no longer swollen. There was no sign of cancer. Of course, that does not mean I am cancer free. We will not know how much of my breast has to be removed until we are in surgery.  I hate this uncertainty. I am praying for another great out-come during surgery.

I have not been taking bra pictures. I rarely get out. Most days Jeddy has my car with him at work. I am feeling stronger, but I still get all rubbery legged, sweaty, and tired, so I stay at home.I've kind of allowed my photo project to die and fizzle.

A week ago, we all wore pink t-shirts and in honor of breast Cancer Awareness tried to get family photos. I even sprayed my peach fuzz hair pink.  I was disappointed in the outcome. Oh well....

I look forward to regaining my independence. To having a life again. To moving on to the next stage of this life.

The Boy is Confirmed

It took longer than planned, but the Boy was finally confirmed a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints & he received the gift of the Holy Ghost. We had arranged for my dad to come to Riverdale and do it on Sept. 14th, but he forgot and stood us up or his anger with Jeddy and me got in the way, I don't know. However, a little boy was hurt and disappointed and this was HIS day, not mine, not Jeddy's, not Wayne's, not my dad's.... it should have been a day to set aside all this other crap for El Jay and this huge event in his life. it was a day to give unconditional love and show forgiveness.

Then we had scheduling problems and had to find someone to take time to come to Riverdale. A friend was going to do it, but Jeddy had to work that day. I was getting anxious, because it would be two-weeks again before we could do it and my surgery is coming up, etc..... and that ordnance is not complete until one is confirmed by the laying on of hands--just being dunked in the water is not enough. So, Jeddy arranged to get off work early and he asked his Uncle Brian to come here to confirm his little brother.

On Sunday, Sept. 28th, the Boy was finally fully a member.

I always have to remind the boy to change after church, so the one time I was planning on taking pictures after church, he ran in and changed without being told.  El Jay with Uncle Brian.

The Mormon Elders that taught the Boy.

Something to Smile About

More often than I would like this blog is not a happy place. I look at it as a place to document the details. It isn't a place meant for everyone to see.

It is time to blog something HAPPY!

I received this bright yellow envelope in the mail yesterday. It had numerous .01 cent stamps arranged in an infinity sign. It simply looked too artistic to open. But I did.... and I found a flat, packet of foil, neatly folded with something inside--maybe we will have hobo dinners one night soon? But that was not all--just the pretty envelope would have been enough (because it made me smile)--inside the foil was a print out about chia seeds (I must get some and give them a try!) Chia Seeds are very appropriate, because I look like a chia pet with my now mostly gray hair standing up. And finally there some much needed cash.

Thank You. You know who you are.

I've been told lately by other people how ungrateful I am. I don't think those people know me at all. I've taken none of the gifts and help we've been given for granted. I have expressed my gratitude, but that was not enough. I thank heavenly Father daily for all of my blessings, often specifically. I do not know how to maintain an attitude of gratitude. I wish I did. 

Today, I cried when this arrived. My friend went the extra mile to reach out and help me.

Don't Smile. Don't Cry. Don't Move.

 I've been called cold hearted. 

I was called a brat. I've been called ungrateful. I was told to go to hell. 

I guess I am cold hearted. Perhaps it comes from being told by my dad as a child to "Go get my friend." His friend was his belt. It didn't take much to set him off. This is a subject Wayne and I discussed and we agreed that this was a huge factor in both of our mental health issues as adults.

"What are you laughing about. Go get my friend."
 "Bend over and hold your ankles."
"You flinched, I'm giving you five more whacks."
"What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry about."

I was taught to not display any kind of emotion around my father. We walked on egg shells, because we never knew what would set him off.  We tried so hard to please this man, who could never be pleased. Perhaps, because of that, I am cold hearted. Why show emotion? Why let people close? When you are afraid of being beaten down one more time?

Why did all three of my father's daughters marry abusive men?

I have PTSD. Therapists attribute it to the extreme physical, emotional and verbal abuse WE suffered as children. They also feel other life events attributed to it--such as Roxcy dying of SIDS and two abusive marriages.

The day that Sub-Man caught my legs and pulled me down as I ran up the stairs to escape him and then while he lay on top of me holding my wrists and yelling into my face from an inch away, I swore I would never again tolerate any sort of abuse in my life. I swore I would stand up for myself. I would fight back. And I have.

Lately there has been some name calling. Yes, some of it by me. Things were said by all of us that can never be taken back. I'm not sure how I feel about that because a lot of hurtful words were tossed at me and some wounds I thought were healing had the scabs ripped off from them. I have done nothing wrong, but I am told that I killed my brother.

I hurt so much right now.

Taxol #12

Taxol #12 was canceled. I am done with that stage of my cancer treatments. YAY!

It was kind of sad. I've heard the nurses in infusion make a fuss over the patients on their last day. I've seen people bring signs. None of that for me. However, I will now move on to the next phase which is surgery on about Oct 10th. Radiation will begin about 4-weeks after surgery.... and then..... I can move on.

#12 was canceled because of the severity of the numbness in my hands and feet. At the same time, my WBC count was a little low. My liver function was a little off. My blood pressure and blood sugar were a little high, and I had a UTI. it really was not one of my better check ups.

Taxol #11 Revisited

3rd time was the charm.

Today all systems were GO

and I got infused. 

YAY! I Guess.

The Boy is Baptized.

At the age of 11-years, 8-months, and 18-days (???) El Jay Rey was baptized in Seaside, Calif. His dad did not want him to be baptized as a Mormon--even though Subman was Mormon at the time of our marriage and when the Boy was born..... or at least, he wanted him to wait until he was old enough to make the choice on his own.

I believe  El Jay made this decision on his own. He says he loves Jesus and wants to get to know him better.

He was baptized by his oldest brother Taylor. Craig Hubler and Tricia Stainbrook gave talks. The Elders said the prayers and Jeddy did a special musical number.

Thank You, so very much, to everyone who helped make this day special for El Jay.

He will be confirmed in September in Riverdale by his grandfather.