Spring Semester 2013

I am so burned out on school. After ONLY eleven semesters at UNM.... I have just this semester and two or three or four more to go.... I am so burned out. I can't seem to shake this fog and lack of focus that began closing down on me in Sept when the new med disaster began. Truthfully, the depression seems to only get deeper.... and I have no clue how to help myself pull out of it.

A just smiled, A tiny smile, as a thought came to mind. NOT pull, Tina, but P.U.S.H. (now a snort from me) PUSH... Pray Until Something Happens. (and now tears) I don't know when I last truly prayed as I use to. I did pray and pray and pray and NOTHING happened. Life only got worse. Now, I just wonder who or what  I am praying to....and IF....?

Well, prayer without action is useless, if you ask me. Nothing happens in life, unless we are willing to do do the work to make it happen. Maybe, that is my problem. 

Happy New Year.

The Best of My Images From 2012.

Happy New Year.

 

2012: Music Slideshow

Merry Christmas

My Christmas gift from Jeddy was three songs he made for me. Here are two  of his songs set to pictures from November and December:    Jeddy's Music

Wanda Gardner RIP

Home Again Home Again.....

Home Again, Home Again.....Jiggity Jog..... my mom use to say that.

We are home from Utah. Home from the funeral. it was a very quick trip. Lots to say, but maybe a lot I shouldn't say...?

My favorite moment was during the funeral service when two of my sons sang their farewell song to my mom. Earlier that morning there was a few minutes when the Mormon Bishop who was conducting the service heard the song and declared that it was not reverent enough for a funeral. He then asked dad, who said he had discussed it with me and he felt it was perfect for my mom.

Follow the link below to hear Jeddy Grant and Spencer J:

This song is for you Grandma Wanda.

 My dad spoke--which I believe is unusual and must have taken a lot of strength to do.

 My sister spoke.

My great niece Lexi and niece Lenzy sang Silent Night. While my nephew Darrell (who is deaf mute) signed the song.... which is pretty cool to "sing" Silent Night" silently ;-)

Tony The Shelf Elf

The day before my mom passed away, I bought El Jay the Elf on a Shelf doll and the book. At bedtime, with the Elf and Tommy by our sides we read the story.  El Jay wasn't too excited by the doll or book. I asked him to name the Elf and he gave me this "You've got to be kidding" look. During the night the Elf did his thing and in the morning he was hiding elsewhere in the house.

During the night my mom had died. When I woke EL Jay I shared that with him. As El Jay ate his breakfast he looked up and he said, "Hey Tony," and made a few comments.

I had no idea who he was talking to and looked over to see that EL Jay was looking towards where the Elf had been sitting when I got up that morning ;-) and I asked, "Who are you talking to?"

"Tony," replied El Jay.

"Tony? Is that what you named the Elf?"

El Jay shook his head no. "Grandma told me that was his name. She said he was really her Christmas gift to me."

I smiled and wiped a tear from my eye. Mom loved Halloween and Christmas and doing special things with and for her family. I am happy she made sure EL Jay got this final gift.

Welcome, Tony, to our Home

.

Tony managed to sneak into our family portrait on Christmas Day.

(posted in January)

Mom, I love you.

On 12-12-12 my mom died. She had been receiving home hospice care and we knew the time was close. She died around 2am and when I got up around 5am I found out of her passing on Facebook--which is a blog post I'd like to confront in the future.

I debated whether to tell El Jay before school or to wait until after school. Each morning after I wake him, we cuddle for a few minutes and usually he tells me about his dreams. I decide to tell him that Grandma had died while we were cuddliing. He instantly said that Grandma had finished the things she come here to do and had new things to do where she was.  Such wisdom from a little boy. I asked if he understood what death is and he said, yes, that her "angel" had left her body, but she was still with us. After he came downstairs dressed he gave me a hug and asked if I had remembered OUR dream that night. He said Grandma had taken us to dance in the stars with Roxcy and Aidan. He tells me all the time that I am in his dreams and I believe him, because occasionally I remember having similar dreams. He has always been closer to the angels then most children and El Jay and I have a close spiritual bond.

Cuddling with El Jay I have thought about my favorite thing to do with my mom when I was little. I loved to be "Cuddled By" my mom. That is where she lay behind me with her arms wrapped around me and we talked. I don't remember when I got too old to cuddle with my mom, but lately I've wished I was little again and could cuddle with her. I remember once thinking that being cuddled by was so wonderful, and I wanted to know what it felt like to be my mom and do "Cuddling  To." In my mind that is how I thought of it. I may have been in kindergarten. I explained that and she laughed and we switched places. I knew instantly that Cuddling To was not nearly as nice as being Cuddle By. I wondered why my mom liked to Cuddle To. Later as a mom I found that answer out. I love holding my own children in my arms, but I do miss being held.

Picture of Wanda J. Gardner and TinaMarie Gardner circa 1963. Garden Grove, Ca.