Grant Writing

I have trudged all over the UNM Main campus to ask questions to advisers and other people. In each instance I have been very transparent that I HAVE BREAST CANCER. And that if it is at all possible I still want to graduate in May. No one seems to know how to deal with me and for the most part I have been told to consider taking this semester off. I cannot do that. I can't. If I take a break for any reason, I feel I will never go back. I have worked hard and I am so tired of school and... I am ready to move on.

There seems to be a consensous about a few issues though.

       1) there is no way I can make my final Strat Comm class work as an independent study class.

       2) I should take the semester off

       3) I have been given the business card for Agora twice (this is a suicide/depression hotline.) I have been told to go to the Women's Resource Center. I have been asked if I have been to the Student Health Center because they have counseling there. I am told, "You may want to call them, maybe they can help."  I have cancer. I have a therapist already. I am not going to kill myself. But thank you anyways. It seems that everyone, so far, wants to avoid dealing with me.

I am working on writing a proposal for doing the Strat Comm Campaigns class as an independent study. It will mean putting together a group of people to help me complete each project. My focus will be on the Sisterhood of the Bras.  This team will create branding, logos, and at least two campaigns to promote specific projects--like Jennifer the Traveling Bra. We will create a news letter, business cards, a brochure, perhaps. I will rebuild my websites and blogs. I am hoping the professor will decide to let me give this a try.

We will do a fund raiser to help me out financially during my treatment.Until I have accepted a treatment plan and we have begun the radiation or done the surgery and later started Chemo, I do not know  if I will be able to continue to work at Joy Junction  or if I will need to take time off. I will need a way to pay bills and take care of El Jay. Because my car was totaled, I imagine I will need to buy another car, which will mean a car payment and increased insurance. I figure El Jay and I can live on $2000 a month. I get $650 for child support. I need a way to bring in about $1400 a month even when I cannot work. I need to fill those gaps.

I will even write a grant and ask people and businesses to help support this project. Actually, I created a set of documents that might be asked for when writing a grant during a grant writing class two years ago, I am updating them now and I have one foundation I will send them to. I plan to request funding to help with the initial start up costs, a little overhead, printing, etc... the biggest cost is for money to replace my camera. The project is not possible without  camera.  I want to have this grant submitted by January 15th. As a group we will come up with other grants to apply for. I hope I get it, not just for the money, but because it will look good on future resumes that talk about this project.

Instead of people discouraging me, i need to be surrounded by positivity. I need people to say, "Yes, you can do this and we will help you. We believe in you. We believe in the Sisterhood.  They say healing is easier if you have a good attitude. i believe that, but doubt creeps in. Plus, there have been so many road blocks, so many reasons not to believe in myself and to be discouraged. I want to heal and to do that I need to be surrounded by good things and people who believe in me.

Breast cancer isn't a little thing. It is a huge hurdle to get over. There will be many little things during this ordeal, with a few bigger ones, that I will look back on and smile as I remember how it was those things, and those people, that got me thru this time in my life.

Please, believe in me.

MRI

Today I completed the 3rd test to determine how far the cancer has spread. I had an MRI.

It may be a week or two before I am able to replace my Azul Carito. My friend Manny gave me a ride.Once I got to the UNM Breast Cancer Center things began going down hill. I had gotten there early, because I was told I needed a blood draw before I do the CaT Scan next week. However, I didn't need a blood draw, because they could use the blood from the draw on Dec 26th. So, I went to the imaging desk to check-in. The lady said my UNMH Care had been canceled and my Centenial Care was still pending. Briefly, I had a jolt, thinking I would not have insurance coverage for the scan or any procedures until these wonderful changes being forced upon us by the government. The lady helping me showed little interest or compassion and asked for my co-pay. I have to say that that made me shake my head and wonder if anyone knows what is really happening. With the timing of my cancer, I feel like I will be a poster child for Obama-Care.

I was sitting there waiting. A few minutes after the time for my appointment the lady came over and told me that the MRI people were running about thirty minutes late. When I go to doctors appointments I always figure on extra time. However, I was already feeling frustrated. Finally, I was taken back to the changing area. I was given a gown and pants to change into. I tried to put on the pants, but they were too small. I had stripped down to just my panties when a male patient opened the curtain into my cubical. I looked up. He gasped and quickly closed the curtain. I shook my head and thought things like this are destined to happen to me. He was more frightened and shocked than I was, I am sure. When I told the imaging tech, her response was, "Yeah, these things happen." I think it will be one of my crazy Tina stories as I share this journey. I can laugh about it already.

When a breast MRI is done, you lay on your tummy on that narrow table/bed and your breast are put thru an opening and left hanging down. There is also an opening for your nose and mouth, so you can breathe. They place headphones over your ears to mask the sound of the machine. They try to make you as comfortable as possible, but total comfort is impossible. In my case, the earphones began slipping immediately--which was uncomfortable and did little if any good at blocking the sound. Plus, the face opening was not positioned right and my mouth was over the vinyl and that got slippery and wet, adding to my discomfort. I moved slightly at one point, which necessitated retaking that image.

I have been thru a lot since I discovered the lump. I have been emotional a lot.  It was while laying there, face down during a few moments of inactivity that I felt something emotional in me snap and I started crying. I did not want to have to do these tests any more. I didn't want to deal with meeting with doctors, more tests, surgery, radiation, chem.... I didn't want to keep dealing with the car situation and I knew I had to and that this was just the beginning. And I was afraid and so tired of my life.

When we were done, the tech came in and said the male assistant would remove the IV line and she left. I told her that earphones had slipped and her responce was, "Yeah, that happens." The assistant removed the IV and told me I would need to wait til the dressing room was free and he too left. And that was it. Where as my other procedures have gone well and the staff was kind and compassionate, this group were just  jerks.

Angels Watching Over Us

I was at work last night when the phone rang and I answered it. It was Jeddy . I couldn't hear him  at first--there was a lot of background noise. When repeated, it sounded like he was laughing, but it sounded like he said he had wrecked my car. I asked him not to joke about things like that. He got frustrated and raised his voice and said again he had been in an accident and my car was totaled..... the rest is a blur.

He had been T-boned. He was fine, he thought, but Delaney had been knocked unconscious. She was conscious by then, but would have to go by ambulance to the hospital. He said that his fellow band members and their parents were on the scene. He said another car had run the red light and hit him.

I stayed at work. He was in good hands and I had no way to get from Joy Junction to Paseo del Norte. Dr. Reynalds, the CEO and founder of Joy Junction showed up at the shelter--he comes in at random. I told him what happened and said I didn't have a ride home. He said, "Its taken care of." One the shuttle drivers got me home from work. I told Jeddy to go to the ER once he was released from the accident scene.

Jeddy has a sprained neck and Delaney a concussion and whiplash. Yet, they are alive. The car was hit hard and the damage was bad, but there are no broken bones or lacerations. They will heal. I know that there were angels protecting them.

Muga Scan & Bone Scan

I can do this. Two of the imaging type tests I needed to have done before I meet with the surgeon again have been completed.

My camera died on December 22nd and I grieved for it during each imaging session. I was constantly seeing fotos as I went thru these. I am a photographer. I see thru snapshots that I compose in my mind and I do want to tell this story, not only thru written words, but especially thru my photography. I owe it to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Bras  to tell my personal story both visually and orally. Right now, however, I have a few obstacles to overcome.

I do have ideas about how to accomplish the telling of my story and other issues and I will share those soon.

On January 2nd I went to the Nuclear Medicine Department at UNMH and had a MUGA scan. A MUGA scan looks at the heart to determine if I can handle specific types of chemo therapy. They drew some of my blood, took it and did something magical to it :-) and then put it back into my veins. Then using this complicated machine they took pictures of my heart. All I had to do was lie there, remaining fairly still for about 40-minutes. The staff there were wonderful They made sure that I was comfortable and answered all of my questions.

On January 3rd at 10am I went back to Nuclear Medicine and we performed a bone scan. This time they injected something into me and sent me home for three hours. After I came back, they did a scan of my bones. This took around 30-minutes. At the beginning, I was lying on this narrow table/bed like thing and part of the imaging equipment was arranged as close to my face as possible without touching me. During the process the equipment moves down the length of my body as it scans my bones.  Only a few minutes into the procedure, I had to cough. The equipment was still over my face. I did not know if I had to lie still like you do with an MRI, or if a little movement would be OK. SO, I held the cough in for as long as I could. I knew that once I coughed, it might be hard to stop. As I struggled to hold in the cough, my eyes began to water. Eventually, I coughed. The natural reflex to cover your mouth, but my face was still covered by the imager and I needed to keep my arms at my sides. I had to cough three more times before I was through.

Again, the staff at Nuclear Medicine was kind and helpful and this procedure went well.

I wish I had a foto to place with this thread, but I don't.

So much to do

Finally got the CT, MRI, Bone Scan and Muga scheduled. Actually, they had scheduled them already and each department just needed to let me know when. All four were scheduled on days I am working. Which would have meant asking for all four days off..... I managed to get each one scheduled during hours I am not working. WHEW.....

I wish I did not have to work during this journey.

I wish I had someone to help me thru this period of my life.

I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me that I will be alright.

If I started taking pictures of bras as away of tracking my own journey--long before I had breast cancer, then today this is how I am feeling :-(

Normally, I carry a few of the Sisters in the trunk of my car, just in case I see a good location to get photos. Today, however, this foto op found me, sort of. My camera died a few days before Christmas. When I saw this bra, I knew I had to go back to get the foto. El Jay had a cheap little camera and I can use it.  It was kind of dreary looking out. A bit windy. I really, really wished I had my camera, but.... I am at that place in life where i simply have to make do with the resources i have. Yes? I added contrast and upped the saturation and I kind of like the results.

Meeting With Oncologist

I guess I am finally getting somewhere. I met with the specialist today. I like her. I have a bunch of tests to take before I can meet with the surgeon.

The UNM Cancer Center is an amazing building and I missed my camera. I would have liked to document this stage of my journey. I did use my cell phone camera, but I have no idea how to download those pictures.

When I arrived and was checking in I was given this handy dandy bag to keep all of my important paperwork into. I look at it as my absolute favorite Christmas gift and I will cherish it. Everyone needs a UNM Cancer Center tote bag. Yes? Yes, I am being sarcastic.

I took this using Logan's camera and i included the other garbage from this appointment ;-)

Trudging Thru the Snow

Today. Biopsy.

I'll come back and update this later.